31b

Well I have already described the first part of turning 31 so I won’t bore you with those details again.

Turns out, however, that there was more going to happen that day. No, there were no surprise visits from long lost relatives… or newly lost relatives for that matter… In fact I’m not even sure that we have any lost relatives, unless they are so lost that we’ve forgotten them completely, which would make a surprise reunion somewhat awkward.

The first thing that happened was not long after I had arrived at the church. Tracey called and sang Happy Birthday to me via my cell phone. I tried to put her on speakerphone, but ended up accidentally hanging up (the buttons are very close together). Fortunately Tracey knows me well enough to know that I wouldn’t have purposefully hung up on her while she was singing Happy Birthday to me, or else this entry might have had a less jovial, more lawyerly feel to it.

I was assuming that having a birthday at the end of the month would mean that fewer people at the church would remember it (since the birthday list goes out in the beginning of the month). This would be one of those silly things that you think that if you said them to anyone, they would give you that certain look that tells you your thought process is silly. The number of folks who are glad to know their pastor’s birthday is significant. Several people wished me a happy birthday before service began, and the choir led the congregation in singing “Happy Birthday to You” during the announcements. I shared with them an interesting on this day in history tidbit about Franklin Graham’s preaching debut.

After church we went home and had lunch. Tracey made burgers.

Wife to Husband, sitting on two-person deck swing: “Do you want to have lunch out there?” Husband: “Yes!” In cave-man voice: “Bring me meat and carbonated beverage.”

I was celebrating my birthday by being goofy. Tracey was celebrating by putting up with me. She might note that she seems to experience this part of my birthday on 360-some-odd days a year.

The weather was as perfect as I could imagine. Tracey remembered that she had bought an Atkins cake mix, so she made me a chocolate cake. (Quick review of Atkins’ Chocolate cake: Not entirely un-cakelike, which is a lot better than the Atkins Pancakes, which were not only un-pancakelike but were so vile that I did not even swallow the 1 piece that I put in my mouth. Cake was definitely made better by the addition of Breyers CarbSmart Chocolate Ice Cream which is really quite good.)

Husband: “Thanks for the cake, hon….” Wife:“You’re welcome, glad you liked it.” Husband:“You know, I think that’s the first cake you’ve made me.” Wife:“So what you’re saying is that I haven’t made you a cake for the previous 8 birthdays we’ve been married.” Husband: (wonders what happened to the calm, sensible version of his wife who was just here a minute ago) “No, what I’m saying is that this cake was really good, and I think it happens to also be the first birthday cake you’ve made me. I was more like an observation than an accusation.” Wife:“You’re just a lot more direct than I am.” Husband:“We’ve had this conversation before, you know…” Wife:“Yeah, well I just like to revisit it every once in awhile.”

After lunch (did I mention it was delicious?), it seemed like a good time to put together the Park Lake 5-Piece Patio Furniture Set since we had cleaned the garage on Friday (see turning 31 part 1. Note: in the pictures of the garage the large cardboard box near the door is the Park Lake 5-Piece Patio Furniture Set).

We purchased the Park Lake 5-Piece Patio Furniture Set at the end of last season. I think that was the day I went to Wal-Mart 3 times in one day. First I went for various items that we needed for the new house, then I went back to get the Park Lake 5-Piece Patio Furniture Set. After paying for the Park Lake 5-Piece Patio Furniture Set I discovered that the box with the Glass Table Top would fit and the box with the chairs would fit, but they would not both fit at the same time.

By the way, for those considering the purchase of a Park Lake 5-Piece Patio Furniture Set, please note that the 5 pieces are 4 chairs and 1 table. Do not be deceived by the ubiquity of an umbrella in all of the pictures of the Park Lake 5-Piece Patio Furniture Set, because that is just a marketing ploy wherein they try to sucker you into purchasing the Park Lake 9-foot Umbrella for $99 which is yet another marketing ploy because if you aren’t careful you might not realize that THEY SELL THE UMBRELLA AND THE UMBRELLA STAND SEPARATELY… Apparently there are a whole lot of people who already have an umbrella stand and have been waiting like teenage girls before the prom for just the right umbrella to come along and whisk them away from their unfulfilled lives as unfilled umbrella stands. The Wrought Iron Umbrella Base will set you back another $22, meaning that the bargain you got on the Park Lake 5-Piece Patio Furniture Set by waiting for the end of the season (when Wal-Mart was nearly begging people to take it off their hands) could be eliminated if you succumbed to the Evil Marketeer’s Umbrella Temptations.

Fortunately for me, I married Financially Sensible Woman.

Husband: “What do you mean we have to buy the umbrella separately?” Wife:“It doesn’t come with it. Look at the box, do you think it could fit in there?” Husband: (ignoring the fact that he clearly thought that it could fit in there, because he thought it was in there) “So how much is that?” Wife:“What do you want an umbrella for?” Husband:“Well….” (thinking) “There’s a hole in the middle of the table where the umbrella goes.” Wife:“So?” Husband:“Well… it would look dumb to just have a hole in the table.” Wife:“We’ll tell people the umbrella cost $122.” Husband:“But what are we going to do if it rains?” Wife:“Rains?” Husband:“Yeah.” Wife:“You mean, what are we going to do when it rains and we are outside sitting around a table on the deck?” Husband:(silence) Wife:“I dunno… go inside?” Husband:“Alright, enough chit-chat, let’s get back to putting this together. I don’t have all day.” Wife:“Yes dear.” (feel free to fill in what you think she really wanted to say here)

I was going to bring up that the umbrella would block the sun too, which was more important than blocking the rain. Of course it would probably only help at 12 noon, and the rest of the time it would just block our view of the lake.

Those of you who combine excellent memories with too much spare time may remember that we put a two-person swing together last year. There are also the two chairs that Lauren gave us, a picnic table, and a gas grill. Soon we will have more seating on the deck than we do in the rest of the house, but no way to get to it because it will be railing-to-railing full of chairs. But I digress. A lot. You knew that by now.

The chairs were fairly simple to put together:

1. Take chair bottom out of box
2. Take chair top out of box
3. Put chair top on chair bottom

Which is exactly the kind of assembly one wants for a Sunday afternoon. (I did neglect to mention the fact that the top and bottom were both wrapped in that thin foam wrap that probably doesn’t really offer that much protection but is better than nothing. Tracey took care of most of that. Not difficult, but time consuming).

The table also came with a single sheet of instructions, unlike the 42 page manuals that we have become accustomed to in other recent building adventures. It too went together rather easily, except for the legs.

Getting the legs into the pre-sized leg-holders required approximately 1.25 metric tons of pressure per square inch which would allow the pre-formed plastic to bulge approximately 3/8th of an inch (or half a centimeter for you metric nuts). Not having a Binford 1.25 metric ton Leg-Holder Squeezer (patent pending) we were forced to use our fingers, which were then rendered inoperable for approximately 45 minutes after each leg was inserted.

The table also has a glass top. A glass top table is very important because you really ought to keep a close watch on your legs while sitting as a table. Plus it makes it that much easier to misjudge the distance to the table top when putting your drink down, which heightens the risk of broken glass and mutilated flesh…. and what is a relaxing afternoon on the deck without the chance for a little bloodshed?

Given that the legs are metal and the top is glass, there is the need for a mediator to keep these two separated. A middle-child, if you will, there to keep the peace. Enter the Clear Plastic Buffer Tab (or CPBT for short). Simply insert the CPBT into the leg, press the leg against the top of the table, and presto whamo, you have a table without that sound of metal scraping against glass.

The fun part is trying to a) line up the legs into the leg-holder on the table, b) fit the lower part of the leg into the Mid-Table Leg Brace, and c) line up leg to fit into the top support and keep the CPBT from falling out of its spot, rolling between two of the deck boards and forcing you to rip out the entire deck to retrieve it or call the table manufacturing company and try to explain to them that you need a replacement CPBT. If you can get them to understand what you are talking about. Ripping out and replacing the deck would probably be less time consuming and less aggravating. This is the part of the job which really requires two people, especially because your fingers will still be sore from the Leg-Holder Squeezing. This is not the part of the job which requires your undiapered son to walk come over and pee on the glass table top, that’s purely optional. However, undiapered sons may recognize that their skills and abilities are underutilized in most home improvement projects, and may suddenly offer to share them even if unsolicited. (Note to concerned parents of young children: this behavior is only temporary until the child figures out how much more fun it is to pee off the deck onto the grass below. And if he happens to nail one of the dogs in the head as they go out to do their “business” outside, one can only consider that to be cosmic karma.)

Once that is done, we installed the Lower-Table Leg-Brace. This is where you can prop your feet up under the table so you can admire them through the glass table top. There is even a bit of rubber around the poles of the Lower-Table Leg-Brace so that you can put up your feet to admire your legs through the glass table top without marring the finish of the bar on the Lower-Table Leg-Brace. You’ve got to credit them for thinking this through, especially since the table is approximately 7 feet tall and will require a small hop to sit on most of the chairs, unless you are friends with Shaq, in which case he will consider it just about the right height.

The Lower-Table Leg-Brace goes on easily, of course, because the legs are being held in place by 5 metric tons of pressure by the Leg-Holders, not to mention the Mid-Table Leg-Brace. After that is done, simply put the small plastic covers over the screw heads and pointy ends. Theoretically these are meant to a) improve the appearance of your Deck Table [outer covers] and b) protect your legs and ankles from being sliced open while trying to rest them on the Lower-Table Leg-Brace to be admired through the glass table top [inner covers]. In reality these are a last ditch effort to get you to drop something between the boards of the deck and have to rip apart the deck and build a new one. (Have I mentioned that all deck furniture is designed by deck builders to create more business for themselves? Yup, that’s a true theory. Then again I also wonder if anti-virus software companies are the ones who write all the computer viruses. And don’t say “virii” because that’s just wrong.)

These outer plastic covers are roughly 1/10000000th of a milimeter larger than the head of the screw they are meant to cover, meaning that fitting them on means that a) you have to line it up perfectly, b) the plastic must not be warped at all, and c) they will eventually just fall off when someone sits down at the table, probably about the same time they prop up their legs on the Lower-Table Leg-Brace. The inner plastic covers go on fairly easily, presumably because of the chance for bloodshed and lawsuits if they do not.

After all that is done, you are finally ready to turn the table over and sit down at your new Park Lake 5-Piece Patio Furniture Set.

At which point you will most likely come to realize that the Clear Plastic Buffer Tabs have come out of their designated location, and are now wedged under the table top but no longer connected to the leg. Swearing at this point is optional, but completely permissible. Fixing the misalignment would require disconnecting the Lower-Table Leg-Brace and the Mid-Table Leg-Brace.

Husband:“Aww crud.” Wife:“Are they up against the glass?” Husband:“Yeah but two of them aren’t in the holes.” Wife:“The other two are,” (tries to wiggle table) “and it’s steady, so who cares?” Husband:“But it looks bad” (Sure, but fortunately you can still see your legs) Wife:“Do you want to take it apart again?” Husband:“No, but —” Wife:“Then just leave it. It’s fine.” Husband:(realizes she’s right, practically speaking, but still annoyed by it being out of place) “Fine.”

I looked around and realized just how many items now live on our deck.

Husband: “We’re running out of room on the deck.” Wife: “We’ll have to build a bigger one!”

(Didn’t I tell you the deck installation guys were behind all this deck furniture?)

Since there was still a good bit of daylight outside, I decided to grab my laptop and read some email while looking out over the lake from my deck. That, to me, is a pretty close approximation to heaven on earth. There are other things that are equally good, but this is one example. Sunny, quiet Sunday afternoon sitting outside on the deck looking over a lake. Not a bad way to spend the day.

Until I nearly sliced off my thumb with my laptop.

Yup, after completing the construction of a set of deck furniture with nary a papercut, I went to pick up my laptop from the table (an action I have repeated about 8,427,623 times since first purchasing said laptop in July of 2000) and managed to cut my thumb right under the joint. For those interested in cutlery, the corner of the docking station port does a passable imitation of a fine turkey carver as it sliced from one side under the other in a motion not unlike what one would use on a Thanksgiving turkey to separate a turkey leg from the rest of the carcass. Swearing is almost required at this point; however, swearing not so loud as to cause the neighbors go “Is that the minister?” is preferable.

There are several locations on the body which excel at bleeding. If anyone is making a comprehensive list, let me add the thumb just underneath the joint. I actually wondered if stiches were going to be required. “I am not spending another birthday in the hospital,” I thought to myself as I poured copious amounts of hydrogen peroxide (H2O2, however, no relation to R2D2, despite what the tabloids say) over my mangled thumb. My next thought was, “Hrm… I still haven’t written up my thoughts on The Passion of The Christ…”

After applying band-aid and ice and holding my hand over my head to reduce blood flow, I went in search of my wife, the mother of my child and perhaps the most compassionate person I know.

“What was that noise?” she asked “Me slicing off my thumb on my laptop,” I replied. “On your laptop? How’d you manage that?” she asked, as if I had just developed a marketable skill that we would be able to sell on ebay for enough to send Ethan to an Ivy League college.

Blood flow subsided, we went out to dinner with some friends, celebrating a year since we had first met them when we first came to Gallipolis to interview for the position. We went to the same restaurant (Mexican!) we had gone to last year and shared a good meal and good conversation.

Afterwards we went to the Drive-In to see Scooby Doo2 and Starsky and Hutch, but that will have to wait for another day, because I really must get some sleep.