t 'n t luoma

While at the counter, the clerk told me that I needed “one of the red white and blue forms from that counter” behind me.

I would have liked to explain that I am a) partially color blind and b) nonetheless still quite certain that 99% of the forms in the post office have some combination of red, white, and blue on them and it would be a lot easier if they just labelled things clearly.

But I was having a good day, and didn’t feel like being contrary.

If I had felt like it, I might have explained that their entire naming system is somewhat confusing. For those who may be considering moving to the United States, I will give you an overview of the various categories. Less fun information can be found at the United States Post Office Domestic Postal Rates and Fees (Simplified) chart.

First Class

“First class” is a complete and utter misnomer. Do not be fooled by its simple elegance and good looks. Do not be seduced by the thought that “first class” mail is in any way comparable to “first class” air travel. No one will offer your package a hot towel or an extra pillow. There will be no in-flight movie, no special beverage service. It will not be given preferential treatment in any way.

You would be wise to consider “first class postage” to be the equivalent of “coach” when flying. Everyone is stuffed in together. You may be comfortable, maybe not. Your neighbor may be encroaching on your personal space. Given that the post office 680 million pieces of mail per day (about 28 million an hour, or about a half-million per minute) I would expect it to be a little cramped back here.

When will it get there? “A couple of days, usually,” which means unless it was lost, or stuck to something else, or fell down the well. What do you expect for a lousy 37¢? [more on pricing below]

Priority Mail

“Priority” to me would indicate “Everything else is less important” but then again this is the government so whatever you might logically think is sure to be wrong.

When will it get there? “Faster than first class.” Usually. Probably. Under most circumstances. There are a lot of factors which have to be determined before that can be answered. I don’t just want to speculate on that kind of thing.

Express Mail

If you've been to the grocery store and been in the “express” lane you might think that means “It’s supposed to be faster but really isn’t because you know that woman has more than 12 items, not to mention 47 coupons.... and she’s paying in loose change.... except she won't have enough so she’ll have to write a check.... but of course she doesn’t have a check cashing card, so they have to come over and have her submit to a cavity search and ask her to fill out paperwork only 2 pages less than the average mortgage, before giving her a plastic card that she will just stick in her purse, only to find a dollar bill that could have avoided this whole problem if she had just found it 30 minutes ago.

If that has been your “Express Lane” experience, then it may be difficult to understand this, but Express really means “Overnight.” Now you may ask, gentle reader, why the post office did not simply call it “Overnight Delivery” which would then make it very clear even to those who aren’t sure what the difference is between “First Class” and “Priority” and “Express”

When will it get there? “Overnight, guaranteed. If not, we’ll give you your money back. Not your package, of course, if that didn’t make it there with all the big ‘Express Mail’ stickers all over the box, it’s probably gone forever. Could be someone figured it was valuable and took it. Might have been sent to Boise, which happens sometimes, no one really knows why. They don’t send them back, either. They get all secretive about stuff like that. Yup, Boise is a regular ol’ Area 51 of the postal service. Always has been, back to the days of the Pony Express, when they’d keep the ponies and the mail, and pretend that they were just wild horses. Crazy... Anyway, where were we?”

Second Class

There is no Second Class mail. Never has been, never will be. Starbucks doesn’t sell “small” coffee and we don’t have any second class mail.

Those who want to say that “Express Mail” gets the top treatment and therefore Priority Mail should be considered “Second Class” mail (which would then logically bump the existing “First Class” designation down to “Third Class”) are clearly dangerous individuals who should be watched. That kind of logic will not be tolerated around here.

Third Class

We have First Class mail, but no Second Class mail, and now we have no Third Class mail. We used to have Third Class mail, even without Second Class mail. Don’t ask us how, it’s very scientific and you wouldn’t understand. Those who say that the application for Second Class mail was obviously sent via Third Class mail and never arrived are just meanspirited.

The Mail Formerly Known as Third Class is now called Standard Mail (A). No, I am not kidding. No, there is no “Standard Mail (B)” nor is there “Standard Mail (C).”

I will not be answering any more questions along the lines of “Is there a Standard Mail (insert letter here)?” There is just “Standard Mail (A).” The ways in which it is Standard and how it qualifies for “(A)” are private matters of national security covered by the Patriot Act, so don’t ask.

When will it get there? Whether or not Third Class... err, I mean, Standard Mail (A) ever arrives is clearly a private matter between the sendee and the sender, but just between you and me, it’s not very likely to ever get there. Most of this stuff is sent by people who get paid to send out a lot of stuff, and most of the stuff that is sent isn’t stuff that anyone asked for or wanted, so who’s going to notice if it never shows up?

Book Rate

This is something small and worthless that I wanted to send and I’m amazingly cheap, so I thought I would send it book rate and hoped no one notices that it isn’t really a book anyway.

When will it get there? Probably never. This method has a high failure rate because it us used to infrequently the post office opens and inspects every piece sent via book rate. After all, sending it Third Clas— I mean, “Standard Mail (A)” would usually cost about $0.07 more, so if someone is really that cheap, the folks down at the Post Office are immensely curious to see what they are giving up. Usually it is found to be a diary of no emotional or practical value that no one really wants to throw away, or a small broken pocketwatch that used to belong to your great-great-great grandfather’s uncle which your grandfather’s uncle keeps trying to say is a family heirloom, but really it’s just a broken old watch and no one wants it, but no one wants to be the one who threw it away either. So the post office will throw it away for you, and when your grandfather’s uncle calls to see if you like it, you can blame it on the post office. There is currently no extra charge for this service.

Parcel Post

This is something heavy and worthless that I wanted to send. It’s actually a sofabed with a compressed wood frame which is amazingly uncomfortable to sit on or sleep on. Did I mention it’s extremely heavy. And the box is falling apart. Actually, we found the box from Mom’s 1946 Frigidaire ®, wrapped it with some duct tape and brought her down to the post office in JimBob’s truck.

When will it get there? It will still be in the back office of the post office twenty years from now, with the crushed skeleton of Ed “Skinny” Wilson underneath it from when he said that he could move it without any help and the other guys just let him. The post office will deliver a yellow sticker to the door of the recipient which reads: “We tried to deliver the incredibly heavy, painfully uncomfortable sofabed that was packed in your Mom’s 1946 Frigidaire ® box wrapped in duct tape, but you were not home. We will try to deliver it three more times when we know from CIA satellite footage that you are not at home, at which point it will be your responsibility to come down and pick it up from the post office. By the way, the sofabed is wanted for questioning by the local authorities in connection with a missing persons report filed by the wife of Mr. Edward Wilson, postal employee number 56278-9528. Not responsible for items held more than 30 days.”

Bulk Rate

This is junk mail. It is delivered randomly to whomever we dang well please, whenever we dang well please, and there’s just no stopping us, so don’t even try.

When will it get there? All the live-long day. Bulk mail accounts for approximately 660 million pieces of mail per day.

Pricing

Postage rates in the United States is remarkably cheap. Anyone who doubts this should stand on the street corner and ask someone to do you a favor for 37¢. Hrm... on second thought, I would NOT suggest standing on the street corner and asking anyone to do you a favor for 37¢. You might get arrested, and you would definitely get some strange looks.

Try this: go outside and hand a note to a stranger and ask them to deliver it to someone else. Tell them it is private and very important. Then hand them 37¢. See what happens. Now tell them that the someone else lives across town... or across the state... or across the country. And you are still paying them 37¢.

No one should complain that postage is too high. It is fair and reasonable, however, to complain about the increments that postage comes in. Reviewing the History of First-Class Stamp Rates (don’t you love the web? You can find anything out there) reveals that since approximately 1991 the post office has shown a strong aversion to ending stamp prices with either a 0 or a 5. Now perhaps this was understandable given that they were starting with a 4¢ increase after a series of 2-3¢ increases, but I think we all would have been happier if they had just gone to 30¢ and then waited until they needed to go to 40¢

Instead they went 29 cents, no, wait, 32, did I say 32? I meant 33. No wait, 34. Ha ha, you might think we're going to 35 or 36 next but you would be wrong wrong wrong because we're going to jump 37 next, then 39 and 41. Eventually it will be 97 and then $1.01. It's all part of our promise here in the US government to keep from using even numbers, or any number that ends with a 0 or a 5. The IRS, however, will offer you a number that ends with a 5 when it comes to mileage, specifically $0.375, but even then you know they're just messing with you because there's no such thing as $0.005 so just round it up like you always do when you turn in your mileage report, which is OK because the gas prices always end with 9/10th of a cent and we all know that’s just plain lying.

And finally...

(I said “and finally” so you’d know that I was almost done.) I told the folks at the post office that I thought the charge to send my package was amazingly low, especially considering that Gallipolis isn't exactly like a metro hub of the world. One clerk said “We have space on every flight in the country.” Another clerk added that they also share space with Airborne Express, FedEx, and UPS, and then said “One day we’re all going to merge and will be known as the “United FedUp Airborne Post Office” which I think is just about the funniest thing I’ve ever heard said about the mail.