t 'n t luoma

Well, that's how you'd feel if you'd just wasted a parents' night out by going to see this movie.

Mind you, I am a huge Jennifer Garner fan, and was predisposed to really like this movie regardless of what it was. And it still disappointed.

They ought to take 50% of the profits and give it directly to her, because if anyone goes to see this movie, it'll be because of her. They'll be disappointed, however, to see that her character isn't really developed, isn't really given any complexity, isn't really unique in any way. Everything about her character is tired and worn cliché. In fact, the movie itself felt plagiarized out of the Handbook of Hackneyed Screenwriting.

Remember in the movie "Throw Momma from the Train" when Danny DeVito is trying to become a writer, and his teacher (Billy Crystal) is critiquing his story? He says something like, "There are only two characters, both of them wear hats, and one kills the other one." That's what this screenplay was like.

[Note: I don't consider anything said herein to be a "spoiler" because the movie is so completely predictable, but others might disagree.]

The plot outline for Elektra on IMDB reads: Elektra the warrior is released from the hospital after a near death experience to become an assasin. (more). Now you might think, from reading that plot outline, that by clicking the "more" link you would get more of a plot summary. You won't. You'll get other plot summaries. That's pretty much all they had to say about it, and that's plenty.

Of course they got some facts wrong. It wasn't a "near death experience" - it was DEATH! She died. We watched her heart stop beating (at least those of us who saw Daredevil did). But then when they realized how terrible that movie was, they realized there would be no sequel (sidenote: they ought to give 50% of all the profits for Daredevil to Jennifer Garner too; she was the best part of that movie). However, in the nuclear-waste-like crater of Daredevil, they realized that A) Jennifer Garner is hot, B) Jennifer Garner's character was the best one in that movie (not a huge accomplishment, but still something), and C) people will pay $7 to see just about anything Jennifer Garner might be in.

Only problem was that they had killed her in Daredevil. So there was a brief explanation that she went to see a guy who was a true master [don't ask me how she got there, all we see is her in an ambulance, and then we see her on his table with him feeling up her chakras or something]. He was sort of like a 2005 version of Mr. Miyagi, including the rubbing the hands together. Apparently rubbing your hands together can heal Ralph Macchio's led AND bring people back from the dead.

Anyway, True Masters can bring people back from the dead. So he brought her back from the dead. Then we see the mandatory Jennifer Garner fighting 8 people with sticks and kicking their butts, but Mr. Miyagi 2005 tells her that she doesn't have what it takes, too much anger, not enough insight. (Hrm... didn't Yoda say something like that to a young Luke Skywalker?) So Jennifer Garner, the tough as nails assassin, nearly cries as she says "I don't have anywhere else to go."

Mr. Miyagi 2005 doesn't care. He's the mandatory hard-ass instructor for the movie. By the way, his character is actually named "Stick" because he's good with (wait for it) a stick. There's also a guy named "Tattoo" who has... hrm, wait... what was it? Oh yeah, he has a lot of tattos. Of animals. They can come to life and peal off and go spy on people, or, ya know, eviscerate them. (There are some cool special effects there, if you happen to be lying on a couch unable to move to change the channel when this movie comes on TV and are forced to watch it, that will be the cool thing you haven't seen a thousand times before.) There's a guy who's skin is really hard, they call him (STOP, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS SO DON'T EVEN TRY!): "Stone". And there's a woman who breathes death on people, her name is Typhoid!

The people who came up with these names were about as creative as whoever came up with "fly" as the name of a little insect that flies around. The chief bad guy's name is "Kirigi" which I can only assume translates to "Bad Guy."

Anyway, Elektra leaves the camp and becomes a Bad Ass Assassin/Dominatrix. In the opening scene, we see her kill an unarmed man who we are clearly led to believe is a bad guy. You can already smell the moral struggle brewing (you can almost see the "I kill people, that can't be good for my karma" thought bubble over her head). She has trouble sleeping. This is an American movie, so the Bad Girl can't stay bad forever, ya know.

She gets a new assignment (she doesn't really want it, she's tired, but it's a lot of money). The new assignment involves waiting, "it's part of the deal" we're told. Hrm, sounds like a test to me, and since there are about 3 characters in the movie at this point, and two of them are talking, and the third was the guy who sent her away from the training camp because she was impatient, I wonder who could be setting up this test?!?!?

She's in a house on an isolated island somewhere, all alone except for the Handsome Guy Next Door and His Daughter. Hrm. So let me get this straight, she's all alone in the woods on an island somewhere, waiting for instructions on who she is supposed to kill, and now we find out there are two people next door. Really? They're the only ones around for miles? I wonder who she was sent there to kill. Maybe we could ask the neighbors if they could figure it out.

Oh wait! Never mind, the call finally comes, and OH MY STARS it's the Handsome Guy Next Door and His Daughter. Get the nitroglycerin, I think I may have a heart attack and die from the shock of that surprise.

So Elektra pulls out her Super Bad Ass Bow & Arrow, and lines up to shoot him from approximately a mile away. Apparently walking over under the guise of asking to borrow an egg and then skewering them would have been too easy. Fortunately they are both standing at the window, but neither one of them notices that the only neighbor for miles around is out on her porch in the middle of the day aiming the bow & arrow equivalent of a bazooka at the house. But he keeps moving around, and she keeps seeing the daughter. She can't do it. She's not going to do it. Wait! No, she is going to do it! COOL! No, no, I was wrong, she's not going to - WAIT, YES, HERE IT COMES!! Nope, she decided against it.

Instead she calls her agent, who says he'll send someone else. She feels badly, so she sticks around and kills the replacement guys. No worries about killing them, they were wearing masks, black masks, so they must be bad guys. "Why do they want them dead?" she wonders. Apparently she missed the scene at the very beginning of the movie where a narrator tells us that someone, a female, is supposed to balance the forces of good and evil, and that both good and evil where trying to recruit this female. Since absolutely no one is after Elektra, and the Good Guy sent her packing, that might suggest that it's a different female. Hrm... I wonder who it could be. The only other female is the 13 year old girl of whom it is repeatedly suggested is just like Elektra. I'm completely stumped by this mystery. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Anyway, back to the action. They need help, so Elektra goes to find Stick. So she heads to the Temple-Like Training Ground Where She Left Him..... No wait... That would have been the logical/consistent thing to do. Instead, she goes to the local pool hall, where Zen Master Stick is hustling one of the yokels. Why does Zen Master Stick spend his free time this way? You ask too many questions, young grasshopper, free your mind, think of nothing. Go with flow. The main reason seems to be to see him do a few cool pool shots, including one where he, ohmigosh, actually JUMPS ONE BALL WITH ANOTHER!!!!!! Whoa, dude. I kid you not, it was like, crazy, man. The guy clearly must be a Zen Master dude to make a shot like that.

After Stick's Shtick Scene, Elektra pleads for his help. He refuses. He's a bad-ass hard-ass cold-as-ice kinda guy. Of course a few minutes later Elektra is in peril. She breaks one of her Psis on "Stone" who apparently can't be hurt by anything except a falling tree, which causes him to vanish into thin air. The Bad Guys surround Elektra and the tension is mounting when JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME, Stick comes to the rescue. Wow, who could have seen THAT coming?

Stick can't do it himself, of course, he brings a large number of anonymous henchmen with him, but you know they're good guys because they are wearing white ninja robes and the bad guys are wearing black ninja robes. I'm telling you, these guys left no hackneyed symbol unturned in their quest for a fresh new movie, or at least a good opening weekend and hope to hang on long enough to make money.

So just when you thought there was finally going to be an extended fight scene where Elektra kicks everyone's butt or is forced to actually think her way out of something, she's rescued by a guy. Moral of the story: even strong women need a guy to save them. (Hey, don't yell at me, I didn't write this shlock.)

Cut to a scene at the camp where Elektra was formerly cast out. Cue scene between Young Girl Who Is a Lot Like a Young Elektra and Elektra. Cue "you know, we're really a lot alike" moment. Cue fight scene where Jennifer Garner whups a 13-year old's butt. HA! Some prodigy she turned out to be! Oh wait, now she's almost crying, what's this? Oh! She's just a kid. Yeah, this must be hard on her, especially after her mom was killed because her dad wouldn't hand her over to the bad guys. OH, sorry, was that some emotional character development going on? Sorry, outta time, gotta keep moving.

Elektra goes out and uses her magic powers to communicate with Chief Bad Guy through the smoky haze of a fire pit. (Does Verizon know about this? "Can you hear me now? No? Throw another log on the fire!") They agree that they'll fight it out, and the winner gets the kid. Wonder how that will go. You know, in a lot of other movies I've seen where they'll show the bad guy and the good guy (err, well, maybe the good guy a she, but if she's not going to be male, be sure her outfit only covers the parts of her required by law) fighting each other in like a "showdown".

Usually what happens is that the bad guy seems to be winning, seems unbeatable, the good guy^H^H^Hperson is all of a sudden unable to fight at all (even though they've previously whupped up to 30 bad guys at once). Then the good "person" will be disabled somehow, maybe shot, maybe knocked unconscious. Then they'll take the camera off them for a few seconds, because, you know, then the audience will forget all about them. We'd need some kind of distraction. HEY! Maybe the All-Powerful But Under-trained Kid could appear and try to save Elektra, and then nearly get killed but JUST IN TIME Elektra could spring back to life and save the day.

Of course once they get away from the Chief Bad Guy, all the Bad Guy Henchpeople are out there (even though they had AGREED that this was going to be just between them, apparently the Chief Bad Guy didn't live up to his end of the agreement. The nerve of some villains, I'll tell you...)

Then they get separated, the Elektra has to fight the Chief Bad Guy again, Tattoo Boy has a whole zoo coming out of him, and Bad Breath Mary is breathing on the kid. Elektra kills all the baddies, but the girl is dead.

OH NO! She's dead! Whatever will we do! That's pure tragedy, and really too bad. I mean, she's dead, it's not like there's anyone around who could bring her back to life.... Well, sure, if Elektra had stayed at Stick Camp, maybe she would have been able to learn how to do that. Wow, that guilt is going to stay with her for a long time... Wait... where are they going? Oh, she's bringing her into her mom's bedroom, the room where Elektra saw her mom die, and she saw a monster leaving through the window (that was one flashback... then in another, she realizes it wasn't a monster, it was a ninja [dressed in black so you know he's bad]... Gee, what bad guy could that be? OH WAIT! It's the Chief Bad Guy! What are the chances?! Of all the anonymous henchmen in the world, the one who killed her mom is the one who became the Big Bad Guy she had to kill. You're blowing my mind, man.

So the girl is dead, and so she lays her on the bed where her mom died. Wow, that's gotta be hard, seeing two people you loved dead on the same bed. Huh? Oh, now she's crying? Hrm... crying over a dead person, that might mean... wait, yes, yes, she's going to try to bring her back to life... No, I don't know why she didn't just do it outside where she found her, apparently resurrecting someone works better if they are laid on a Down comforter. Gee, I wonder if it'll work. That'd be nice, wouldn't it, if she could save this little girl on the same bed where he mom died who she couldn't save, especially since the little girl was sorta indirectly responsible for her mom's death? That'd be such a feel-good moment.

Well, I don't want to ruin the end for you, so I won't tell you any more. Boy, will you be every bit as surprised by the ending as you were by the rest of the movie.

One of the biggest problems this movie had to overcome is the fact that the three "Matrix" movies have significantly raised the bar for action/fight sequences. Much like movies after Star Wars in 1977, you can't get away with the same stuff that used to work. Not that everything needs to look like The Matrix, anymore than everyone needed to look like Star Wars. You just have to give us more than 5 minutes of brief fight scenes and expect that will captivate us.

CAST:
Elektra stars Jennifer Garner as Elektra. Jennifer Garner's abs, Jennifer Garner's chest, and Jennifer Garner's wardrobe are the main supporting characters (each should, in my opinion, be given Oscars, but that's really beside the point. Or maybe it isn't.)

Also stars "that guy from E.R. who they brought in to be the George Clooney-like handsome, oversexed-but-really-tortured-soul character after George Clooney left ER." Also that other guy who looks familiar but I can't remember from which movie. Oh yeah, he was in the first Star Wars. No, not that one, that one. Oh, and he was in the Superman movies, a couple of the early ones, not those later, terrible ones.

So by reading this you just saved $7 and about 90 minutes of your life. Spend it wisely. Maybe watch an Alias re-run or something.