What's in a name?
Dell makes really nice LCD monitors.
The church bought two 17-inch UltraSharp 1704FPT monitors and a 17" Dell UltraSharp 1704FPV. I didn’t know the woman’s name until I received the confirmation email: Shubhi Chandana. She was helpful and clear to understand. So they were outsourcing their sales staff, hardly news.
They also have some good folks working their sales department. I got a call from one of them in June. Normally sales people get about 0.8 seconds on the phone with me. This one caught me at a good moment. Actually a really good moment, for both of us. She made a sale, and I came away with a 20.1-inch 2001FP for home. I had really gotten used to having an external monitor at the church, and the deal was just too good.
Both of these monitors use DVI connectors, the same as my 15"/1.5Ghz Powerbook. Nice clear picture. The 2001FP also does Picture-in-Picture so I can watch TV in the corner of the screen (it’s all part of what Tracey’s mom calls my “Man Cave” which I should write more about some day). I also have my Dell desktop running Windows XP hooked to the same monitor via VGA. Press a button, switch computers.
All of this was working fine until yesterday. I plugged in the DVI, and the Powerbook went through its little “Hey you plugged in an external monitor” dance (really slick, it auto-senses... yet another trick Windows could learn).
Except this time, the dance ended and the Powerbook is standing on the dancefloor all by itself. No picture on the external monitor. Unplug, replug. No soap. Turn monitor off and on. Still no. Powerbook down. Powerbook up. No joy in mudville. If I disconnect the monitor, it can tell something has happened, but the Powerbook doesn’t see an external monitor.
Ok, so options are:
- bad cable
- bad DVI connector on the Powerbook
- bad monitor
Now raise your hand if you really think it’s the cable? (You there in the back with your hand up, lay off the happy pills and rejoin us on Planet Earth.)
Since I have a similar monitor at the church, it was fairly easy to test #1 and 2. Truth be told I was almost wishing for it to be #2 since I have AppleCare and knew Apple would take care of it, but that would mean mailing back my Powerbook which I didn’t really want to do.
Plugged in the monitor at work the next day and it worked fine. So it’s not #2. I brought the cable home and tried it on the other monitor. No good.
So #3 it is. Yay.
I called Dell, one of the 15,823 phone numbers they have out there.
“Are you calling about a desktop or portable computer?” asked the automated voice. Err, neither?
How about their website? Oh look, they pop up a “Chat with a text support” window. Ok, I’ll do that. Current wait time 0 minutes?!?! WOW!
“Please enter your Service Tag or Express Service Code” for those of you unfamiliar with Dell, these are the two codes that Dell uses with their computers to identify them. What’s that, you ask, why in the world do they have two identification codes? I have no clue whatsoever. Seems ridiculous to me too. Either one or the other. Anyway, no code, no chat.
So I found one of the codes (after all we have 5 Dells between home and the church).
“Sorry, chat is not is available for your customers like you” (either home or business).
Back to the phone.
Finally got through and got a live human being.
“Can you give me the Service Tag or the Express Service Code?”
Actually no, I’m calling about a monitor.
“Well is it connected to a desktop or portable?”
Portable.
“Inspiron or Latitude?”
Powerbook. Oops, sorry, did I just blow your mind?
“Oh, you’re using a Powerbook?”
Yes, but (before you start some lame excuse about not supporting Macs) that doesn’t change anything about the fact that the DVI doesn’t work.
“Can you give me the serial number off the monitor?”
Errr... no, I’m at work and the monitor is at home. Doesn’t the order number help?
“No, I’m sorry, it doesn’t.”
Of course not, I mean, why would you do something crazy like maintain a database that would connect something like order numbers and serial numbers. I mean, it’s not like you’re some sort of big computer company which could have some sort of a database. (This is the same company, by the way, which cannot change “PRESPETERIAN” in its customer database. I’ve talked to at least 5 separate people on at least 5 separate occasions. Can’t be done. We also get 5 identical copies of their catalog every month at the church.)
So he gave me the number to call and the 7 digit extension. I went home, found the nineteen character serial number, and call the number. Hardware support. More call routing. Laptop, desktop, printer, handheld, or other. Well, a monitor would have to be “other” right? Except that when I’m on hold, they start talking about wireless networking.
Finally got someone. “Name, phone number, address, email address” which I provide again and again to each person I talk to, and they each person who I talk to, separated by 10-15 minutes on hold. You don’t think you all could share this information, right?
Get someone who is very helpful, but he can’t help. I’ve got the wrong division. “You need to talk to Dimension support” he tells me. But I’m not using this with a Dimension. “What are you using?” A Powerbook. Silence. I’m going for it. “The DVI connector on my LCD isn’t working. I tried a different monitor and it worked, I tried a different cable and that didn’t help. It’s the monitor, I’m sure of it. The VGA works, the s-video works. It’s 6 months old.”
He suggested that I disconnect all the cables and hold the power button for 15 seconds. Nothing. “Sorry, you need to talk to Dimension support.” Ok, I get it. He transfers me to Dimension support. I give the same report, this time I don’t mention the Powerbook at all. I have a Dell Dimension and I am connecting the LCD to a DVI port. No one asks what video card I’m using (since the Dimension didn’t come with a DVI connector). I tell him all of the things I’ve done, and add the new power cycling test an the factory reset which I had found while on hold.
He’s just about to tell me that I need a new monitor and asks for my order number.
And the phone disconnects.
Now you heard me say that I’ve given my phone number at least 6 times, and they have a case number connected to me. Since we were disconnected and I have absolutely no way of finding my way back to him, raise your hand if you expect that he’d call me back. (You again! Lay off Mother’s Little Helper already and put your hand down, you’re embarrassing yourself)
So I call back. More hold. More call routing. More not-having-any-idea-if-I-am-waiting-for-the-right-person.
Finally get someone. He’s not the right one, but he’s anxious to help. He listens to what I did, he takes my information. He determines that I need a new monitor....
But... I’ve called the Small Business Division, and I need the Home Division. “Don’t worry,” he told me, “I’ll wait on hold and explain it to them, he’ll probably need to ask a couple questions, but you’ll be all set.
More holding. 10 minutes, at least. Finally get someone.
He said his name was “Kevin” I guess they think they have to give their tech support people generic names. I was tempted to ask him how many silent Vs and Ys and vowels there were in “Kevin”.... I mean, how sad is it that in 2006 we have to go through this charade where everyone knows that the guy on the other end of the phone isn’t blond hair with blue eyes but I fully expect to get “Biff” one of these days. If you can understand him/her (and it was no harder to understand than someone with a heavy accent from, say, Texas or Florida), do you really care what his name is?
“So what seems to be the issue?” he asked.
Didn’t the other tech explain it to you?
“No, I’m sorry sir, can you tell me what seems to be wrong?”
I resist the urge to scream loud enough to rip a hole in the space-time continuum.
Anyway, I told “Kevin” my story. It’s getting more and more succinct. This is what I did: bing bang boom. “May I place you on hold for 2-3 minutes?” Sure, what am I gonna say? No?
Finally after going through the whole thing for the 4th or 5th time, he determines that yes I do need a new monitor. He keeps asking me questions even as he was processing it, but he tells me it will take 3-4 days. At the end he tells me that his supervisor needs to talk to me.
His supervisor’s name? Bob.
Sure, and you can call me Vishnu.
It did get me to wonder. Do your names get shorter the higher up the tech support chain? Does “Bob” have a supervisor named “Ed”?
Ah well. Maybe someday more Americans will realize there are other people out there besides Kevins and Bobs and Biffs, but until then I'll just wait for my UPS tracking number...