Someone from IP Address 69.237.192.212 who identified themselves only as “Cat Lover” and gave their email address as the unlikely “usuck@yahoo.com” wrote this in response to an article I linked to here about a dog caring for an abandoned baby:
Continue reading "More Reasonable Feedback from a Cat Lover" »
![[Wizard of Id from 5-14-2005]](/images/wizardofid2005052441414.gif)
Woman: I left a rhubarb pie on the window-sill, and guess what?
Man: Someone stole it?
Woman: No, they left another one.
See I’m not the only one who doesn’t like rhubarb pie!
My time in Massachusetts is nearly over, but I just came across this "Visitors Guide to Bawstin" that a friend sent awhile ago. I don't know the origin, but I can verify most of the information personally, but there were a few that I didn't even know.
Enjoy the list... it's a wicked pissa.
A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward!
Both these came from a friend who is still living in Florida.
Gasoline prices are hitting record highs across the USA. This will be news only to those who are outside the USA or who exclusively ride horses.
[Like one of the images? Please don't link directly to the file from your website, copy it to your server and link to it.]
Link: CNN is Funny (meyerweb.com) and Media is Funny (meyerweb.com). Go. Read. That is all.
With something to offend nearly anyone....
Continue reading "Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store" »
Taxes have always been for the dogs, but now there is a dog tax form.
Happy Tax Day to all our readers in the USA.
Hobo Signs (hat tip: Mimi).
Very interesting to see the language these folks created to let others know what to expect.
From Pastor Tim’s CleanLaugh List (note: different Pastor Tim) which is wonderful. 1 email per day, with a humorous, clean joke in it. I recommend it highly.
It all happened so fast, none of us really knows exactly what happened, but thanks to the ultra-fast speed of our new digital camera we were able to record the events as they unfolded.
Needless to say we're all quite shaken up.
Parents, you might want to send the kids out of the room before viewing these Pictures of the Tragedy.... I mean, they shouldn’t be exposed to this sort of thing.... but then again, maybe they need to know that these things can happen, and that they need to be careful. It’s a jungle out there.
If that’s not enough to scare you try this.
It took me two attempts.... not in real life, I mean the computerized version above. I only got 35 on the first try but I spent at least 10 seconds laughing when the page first came up. Plus some of them are tricky to place precisely!
Also, for what it's worth, I had this material in the FIFTH grade not the THIRD but apparently whoever put the test together had advanced placement or something.
I’m glad someone else wrote this up so I didn’t have to: What’s the Plural of ‘Virus’?
This may be the funniest card I have received in my entire life.
February 2004 was an unusual leap year. There were 5 Sundays. I found myself wondering how often this happens, and also wondered what mathematical formula could be used to figure out how often it happened.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery . As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, Cuddles has passed away.”
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure The duck is dead,” he replied. “How can you be so sure,” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!”, she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”
The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it went up considerably!”
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.
This went on each Friday of Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic.
They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?
The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. He interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make him look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." His response ...(click). ??
A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"
I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they only had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who? " I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight, I think that is very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
A Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if he meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. He said, "Yeah, whatever!!"
A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
A New Mexico Congressman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the man. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The man retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal"!!!
Happy Blizzard to our readers in New England... and here is the world famous New England Temperature Guide
60° F: Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in New England sunbathe.
50° F: New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. People in New England plant gardens.
40° F: Italian & English cars won't start. People in New England drive with the windows down.
32° F: Distilled water freezes. Maine's Moose head Lake's water gets thicker.
20° F: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in New England throw on a flannel shirt.
15° F: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold.
0° F: All the people in Miami die. New Englanders close the windows.
10° below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico. The Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door.
25° below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. People in New England get out their winter coats.
40° below zero: Washington DC runs out of hot air. People in New England let the dogs sleep indoors.
100° below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. New Englanders get frustrated because they can't start their "kahs."
460° below zero: All atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). People in New England start saying, "cold 'nuff for ya?"
500° below zero: Hell freezes over. The Red Sox win the World Series.
An “updated” version of St. Paul’s first letter to the church in Corinth, slightly adapted from its original version. (Compare to NRSV Translation.) From M. Robert Mulholland’s book Invitation to a Journey: A Road Map for Spiritual Formation
For the community of faith does not consist of one pattern of preference but of many. If the INTJ should say, “Because I am not an ESFP, I do not belong to the community,” that would not make it any less a part of the community. And if the INTP should say, “Because I am not an ESFJ, I do not belong to the community,” that would not make it any less a part of the community. If the whole community were an INFJ, where would be the ESTP? If the whole community were an INFP, where would be the ESTJ? The ISTJ cannot say to the ENFP, “I have no need of you,” nor again the ISTP to the ENFJ, “I have no need of you.”
A funny road trip through Ohio: Punchy names? Ohio towns have enough to Knockemstiff (By Aaron Keirns for the Dayton Daily News).
Some of my favorites: Delightful, Eden, Freedom, Friendship, Purity, Honesty and Paradise, Greasy Ridge, Pigtown, Spanker, Hardscrabble, Worstville, Dull, Tick Ridge, Fleatown, Hell?s Corners, Devil Town, Deadman Crossing and River Styx, Bangs, Bacon Flat, Assumption, Henpeck Corners, Novelty, Knockemstiff, Lickskillet, Mudsock, Round Bottom, Polkadotte, Skunk and Pigeye.
Thanks to Debra Eisert for the link.
Irony rules.
That's hilarious.
Fellowship of the Peeps is good clean Easter-time fun, regardless of what you think of the little marshmellow ducks.
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other, and another customer asked, “What is a seven-hundred-ten?”
She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there.”
The mechanic gave the blonde a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, “Is there a 710 on this car?”
She pointed and said, “Of course, it's right there.”
(scroll down)
![[a picture of an OIL screw top, upside down, which looks like the numbers 7 1 0]](/fun/images/710.jpg)
Enter your age and see some interesting statistics.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world: California.
White minorities are still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $7.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%
(Source: Gospelcom.net)
[Given that I grew in Massachusetts and now live in Florida I found this particularly funny - ed]
AUG. 1 Moved to our new home in Massachusetts. It is so beautiful here. The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered with snow. I LOVE IT HERE
OCT. 14 New England is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I LOVE IT HERE.
NOV. 11 Deer season will open soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity. Hope it will snow soon. I LOVE IT HERE.
DEC. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looked like a postcard. Went outside and cleaned snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight today (I won).When the snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I LOVE IT HERE.
DEC. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again that rascal). A winter wonderland. I LOVE IT HERE.
DEC. 19 Snowed again last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling. Damn Snowplow!
DEC. 22 More of that white sh*t fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling. That *!&%!!!
DEC. 25 "White Christmas" my busted *ss. More snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-(*%)! who drives that snowplow, I swear I will c*str*te the dumb bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on this freaking ice.
DEC. 28 More of the same sh*t last night. Been inside since Christmas day except for when "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere. The car is buried in a mountain of white sh*t. The weatherman says expect another 10 inches of this sh*t tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?
JAN. 1 Happy freaking New Year!. The weatherman was wrong (AGAIN). We got 34 inches of snow this time. At this rate it won’t melt until the 4th of July. The snowplow got stuck down the road and sh*t for brains had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I broke 6 shovels already, shoveling out the sh*t he plowed into my driveway. I broke the 7th shovel over his head.
JAN. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a deer ran out in front of the car and I hit the damn *#! deer. Did about $3,000.00 damage to the car. Wish the hunters would have killed them all last November.
MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town today. Would you believe the body is rotting away from all the salt they keep dumping all over the roads. It really looks like a piece of sh*t.
MAY 10 Moved to Florida today. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would want to live in the God forsaken State of Massachusetts.
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid?! My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
This is the 12th (and final) verse of the classic Christmas song,
"The Twelve Bugs of Christmas."
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
via Cybersalt.org
Someone forwarded me a link to Despair.com... I think the concept is hilarious.
In no particular order, my favorites are: Adversity, Burnout, Dare to slack, , Demotivation, Cluelessness, Delusions, Dysfunction, Incompetence, despair, elitism, failure, fear, futility, ineptitude, irresponsibility, loneliness, strife, pessimism, pretension, problems, procrastination, regret, sacrifice, stupidity, and underachievement.
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to
scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use
it! Get out of the car, you scum bags!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like
mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping
bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes, later she found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two
with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four
pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman
described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair,
carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
[more proof that all the nuts roll South]
New levels of stupidity in browser sniffing achieved by KPMG!
Continue reading "Dumb Site of the Day: http://www.kpmg.ca/" »
If you have just forwarded yet another bogus email to a friend and they sent you here, welcome, because we are here to help you. Please repeat the following list 100 times or you will be eaten by a large red space alien in your sleep.
I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I don’t forward an email!
I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I DO forward an e-mail.
Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria’s Secret doesn’t know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me, and Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people.
I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca-Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER!!!!
My phone will NOT MYSTERIOUSLY ring after I forward an e-mail. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people.
There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 20 years old and DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, CALLING CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.
The government does NOT have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail.
The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross does RECEIVE donations.
I WILL research new virus alerts and other security warnings using Google and Snopes before I send it on to anyone.
I WILL learn that major companies like AOL, CNN, MSNBC, anti-virus companies, and any other company that might be related to any sort of virus or security alerts WILL ALWAYS post an official notification on their website, and they will NOT rely on the haphazard scheme of asking you to forward the message to your friends to get the word out. If you get an email claiming to be from CNN, go to CNN’s Web Site, et cetera.
And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don’t believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!!
(originally posted at SatireWire)
THE TOUGHEST DECISION: SHOULD MY LOVED ONE BE PLACED IN AN ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY?
For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent, a spouse, perhaps a sibling - is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. But you have questions. So many questions.
We at Silicon Pines want to help.
WHAT EXACTLY IS AN 'ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY? '
Sometimes referred to as 'Homes for the Technologically Infirm,' 'Technical Invalid Care Centers,' or 'Homes for the Technically Challenged,' Assisted Computing Facilities (ACFs) are modeled on assisted living facilities, and provide a safe, structured residential environment for those unable to handle even the most common, everyday multitasks. Most fully accredited ACFs, like Silicon Pines, are an oasis of hope and encouragement that allow residents to lead productive, technologically relevant lives without the fear and anxiety associated with actually having to understand or execute the technologies themselves.
WHO SHOULD BE IN AN ACF?
Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many millions, of all ages, will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue burden on those friends and family members who must explain it to them. But unless the loved one is suffering from a truly debilitating affliction, such as Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal. You must ask yourself:
'How frustrated am I that my parent/sibling/spouse is unable to open an email attachment?'
'How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different from hard drive memory?'
'How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, 'Hey, can I replace the motherboard with a fatherboard' Ha ha ha!' ?
To make things easier, we have prepared a list of Warning Signs which we encourage you to return to often, or, if you can't figure out how to bookmark it, print out. Also, please take a moment to read 'I'm Glad I'm in Here! - A Resident's Story.'
MUST IT BE FAMILY, OR CAN I PLACE ANYONE IN AN ACF?
Several corporations have sought permission to have certain employees, or at times entire sales departments, committed to ACFs. At present, however, individuals can be committed only by direct family or self-internment. The reason is simple: there are not nearly enough ACFs in the world to accommodate all the technologically challenged. For example, there are currently only 860,000 beds available in ACFs, but there are 29 million AOL users.
HOW MUCH WILL IT COST?
ACF rents range from free up to $12,500 per month. The disparity is currently a point of contention in the ACF industry. Many residents are covered through government programs such as Compucaid or Compucare, but reimbursement rates are low and only cover a portion of the fees.
Exacerbating the situation are the HMOs (HelpDesk Maintenance Organizations), which often deny coverage, forcing residents to pay out of pocket or turn to expensive private techcare insurers such as BlueCache/BlueScreen.
Offsetting the costs are technology companies themselves, many of which subsidize ACFs. Firms such as Microsoft, Dell, Qualcomm, and America Online will pay up to 100 percent of a resident's monthly bill, but there is a catch. ISPs, for instance, require residents to sign service contracts lasting a year or more. Microsoft, meanwhile, prohibits the installation of any competitive software, while Priceline requires that residents buy shares of its stock, which seems onerous but saves residents on lavatory tissue.
HOW OLD MUST I BE TO HAVE SOMEONE COMMITTED?
Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to legally commit a family member. However, the now famous British court case Frazier vs. Frazier and Frazier has cleared the way for minors to commit their parents. In that case, 15-year-old Bradley Frazier of Leicester had his 37-year-old parents committed to an ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier were a 'danger to themselves and the community.' According to court records, Bradley told his parents about the I LoveYou virus and warned them not to click attachments, then the next day his parents received an I LoveYou email and clicked on the attachment because, they explained, 'it came from someone we know.'
WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN AN ACF?
First, make sure it's a genuine Assisted Computing Facility, and not an Assisted Living Facility. To tell the difference, observe the residents. If they look rather old and tend to openly discuss bowel movements, this is probably 'assisted living.' On the other hand, if they vary in age and say things like, 'I'm supposed to figure that out' I'm not Bill *!(*# Gates you know!,' this is probably 'assisted computing.'
Also, at a well-run ACF, residents should lead full, independent lives, and should be allowed the use of many technology devices, including telephones, electric toothbrushes, and alarm clocks. However, only a facility's Licensed Techcare Professionals (LTPs) should perform computational or technological tasks such as installing programs or saving email attachments. And LTPs should NEVER answer residents' questions because studies have shown that answering user questions inevitably makes things worse. Instead, residents should simply have things done for them, relieving them of the pressure to 'learn' or 'improve.'
CAN A RESIDENT EVER GET OUT?
No.
OK, THIS SOUNDS PROMISING. HOW CAN I LEARN MORE?
For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on Silicon Pines and the ACF lifestyle, which can be found by clicking one of the links in the navigation bars found at both the top and bottom of this page. But whatever you decide, keep in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have long waiting lists. WebTV &AOL users alone will take years to absorb.
I don't know where any of these 'facts' came from, or if they are all true.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache
A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word 'criminal.' The second' William Jefferson Clinton!
And.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts
So I was at http://zeldman.com/ today (as I often am) and read this:
"The secret is out. Actually, of course, both 'Eric Meyer' and 'Jeffrey Zeldman' are aliases of Vicki Wong,"
"The secret" is a link to this blog entry which says that Eric Meyer (http://www.meyerweb.com) actually created Zeldman.
That made me go back through my "Outbox" and realize that I might have had something to do with the start of the rumor.
On the WD-L list (digest v02.n907 if you are curious) I wrote:
Date: Thu, 13 Jun 2002 21:05:10 -0400 (Eastern Daylight Time)
From: "Timothy J. Luoma"
Subject: [WD]: Re: Web Standards Project, Phase II
Message-ID: <Pine.WNT.4.44.0206132101360.3024-100000@Tim>
On Tue, 11 Jun 2002, Steven Champeon wrote:
> And please, if you can, try to stop confusing "The Web Standards
> Project" and "Jeffrey Zeldman". They're not equivalent. Never were.
One of the main reasons for that, of course, is that Jeffrey Zeldman
doesn't exist. He never has. He's a figment of our collective
imagination. The world needed him to exist, so we invented him, sorta
like the Brad Pitt character in "Fight Club"
> And I should add, though this probably goes against what you were
> trying to do here, that the new WaSP site contains no tables for
> layout. And yet, it works in all browsers.
Son of a gun, you're absolutely right. I just fired up NN4.08 and it
looks good.
> Of course, as has been said here repeatedly, that's impossible, so
> I'm afraid the universe is going to vanish in a fit of logical
> inconsistency :)
Does that mean I don't have to finish reading my email?
TjL
and not long after that I wrote this email
Date: Fri, 14 Jun 2002 12:10:47 -0400 (Eastern Daylight Time)
From: "Timothy J. Luoma"
To: "Yaches Tami (tsp3txy)"
cc: jeffrey zeldman , eric meyer
Subject: RE: [WD]: Re: Web Standards Project, Phase II
In-Reply-To: <B1611B1B224FD61185FA0008C75DE6AF019D3EFD@02usnjrarps15f0.win.us.ups.com>
Message-ID: <Pine.WNT.4.44.0206141204550.1956-100000@Tim>
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII
On Fri, 14 Jun 2002, Yaches Tami (tsp3txy) wrote:
[Steve C wrote]
> > > And please, if you can, try to stop confusing "The Web Standards
> > > Project" and "Jeffrey Zeldman". They're not equivalent. Never were.
[TjL wrote]
> > One of the main reasons for that, of course, is that Jeffrey Zeldman
> > doesn't exist. He never has. He's a figment of our collective
> > imagination. The world needed him to exist, so we invented him, sorta
> > like the Brad Pitt character in "Fight Club"
[Tami Yaches wrote]
> I'd be willing to bet money that someone's already forwarded this to
> him, if he's not currently reading the list.
> Personally, I found this statement *really* disconcerting, having
> met him at a WaSP meeting in NYC. I'm wondering if I just really *wanted*
> him to be there?
>
> Tami Yaches
What's even better is that the next message in my inbox was from someone
asking "He doesn't exist? Can you explain that?"
So I told them that "Zeldman" was Eric Meyer's alter-ego.
