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O dont care if u dont freakin post this, i just dont want u to make fun of cat lovers. i just want to get my point out that in my eyes, digs absolutly suck and cats tottaly rule. i dont care if u dont post this i just wanted to talk to u! i saw all of your other comments on a different blog and what I saw that u wrote about cats made me mad! so u know wat go ahead hate me but dont worry beacause i already hate u soooo much more! so just shut up because cats are wwwwwwaaaaaayyyy better than dogs so just stop posting mean stuff about cats and get a life (does that sound familiar?)

Which is just about the funniest thing I’ve read all week. Mind you, it hasn’t been a very funny week.

It’s not the funniest thing I read last week, which was A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore who wrote the equally funny if not even funnier Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal. Actually I didn’t read it at all, I listened to the AudioBook which was even better.

I have no idea what they are referring to when he (and I’m assuming it’s a he only because assuming that it was a she would somehow be seen a sexist by someone who would post something else, probably in response to the post about the Mall of America’s Women-Only Parking lot) refers to “all of [my] other comments on a different blog”. I have no recollection about writing anything mean about cats.

Truth be told I like cats, grew up with cats, would consider having cats again someday. I like women too, even married one I liked the most. The parking lot thing is a joke, an exaggeration based on stereotype; not unlike the many which are hurled at men all the time which no one ever thinks about.

But somewhere along the line I became a lightning rod for some Crazy Internet Cat Fanatics. These are no doubt people who stay home and knit little booties and outfits for their cats to wear when the weather gets cold. These are folks who have more cans of Fancy Feast in their house than they have names in their addressbook. (Now the really ironic thing is that one of these same nutjobs will email me to say how Fancy Feast is crap and they would only feed their cat imported dewormed chicken from the south of France because that’s what Her Empress Kitty Kitt Kitalina likes best and it’s better for her digestive track than that mass marketed swill Fancy Feast….and all along they will be missing the point, which is that I think the smell of cat urine must do something to people’s brains. First of all, they can’t smell it even when anyone who goes into their house, nay anyone who goes into their neighborhood, takes one whiff and thinks “How many cats you got in there, Crazy?” Secondly, after all their real life friends and family have stopped coming over (and they stopped leaving the house because no one will let them bring Miss Kitty Kitt Kitalina with them when they come to visit), they apparently scan the Internet for people who are considered “anti-cat” and chastize them using incredibly poor grammar and spelling.

In conclusion, dear “Cat Lover” at 69.237.192.212: I would change your email address from “usuck@yahoo.com” to something like “usuck@speling.com”…. that way I’ll know how to find you. or “usuck@grammah.com” or “usuck@capitizayshun.com”

(Yes, “speling” et al were intentional. Don’t write to correct me. In fact, don’t write at all. Back away from the computer, throw open the windows to let in some fresh air and let out some 85 year old cat urine saturated air.)

Wizard of Id from 2005/05/14:

Woman: I left a rhubarb pie on the window-sill, and guess what? Man: Someone stole it? Woman: No, they left another one.

See I’m not the only one who doesn’t like rhubarb pie!

Enjoy the list… it’s a wicked pissa.

Next time you come to Bawstin, you’ll need this to communicate correctly. For those of you who have never been to “Bawstin”, this is a good guideline. I hope you will consider coming to “Beantown” in the near future. For those who call New England home, this is just plain great!

Information on Boston and the surrounding area:

There’s no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street.

Back Bay streets are in alphabetical “oddah”: Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth, etc.

So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D, etc.

If the streets are named after trees (e.g. Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you’re on Beacon Hill.

If they’re named after poets, you’re in Wellesley.

Massachusetts Ave is Mass Ave; Commonwealth Ave is Comm Ave; South Boston is Southie.

The South End is the South End. East Boston is Eastie.

The North End is east of the former West End.

The West End and Scollay Square are no more; a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night.

Roxbury is The Burry, Jamaica Plain is J.P.

Definitions: Frappes have ice cream, milkshakes don’t. If it is fizzy and flavored, it’s tonic.

Soda is CLUB SODA.

“Pop” is Dad.

When we want Tonic WATER, we will ask for Tonic WATER.

The smallest beer is a pint.

Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish. If you paid more than $6/pound, you got scrod.

It’s not a water fountain; it’s a bubblah.

It’s not a trashcan; it’s a barrel.

It’s not a shopping cart; it’s a carriage.

It’s not a purse; it’s a pockabook.

They’re not franks; they’re haht dahgs. Franks are money in France.

Police don’t drive patrol units or black and whites they drive a “crooza”.

If you take the bus, your on the “looza crooza”.

It’s not a rubber band, it’s an elastic.

It’s not a traffic circle, it’s a rotary.

“Going to the islands” means Martha’s Vineyard & Nantucket.

If something’s good, it’s “pissa”. If something’s really good, it’s “wicked pissa”.

The Pat’s = The Patriots The Sox = The Red Sox The C’s = The Celtics The B’s = The Bruins

Things not to do: Don’t pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd … they’ll tow it to Meffa (Medford) or Slumaville (Somerville).

Don’t sleep in the Common. (Boston Common)

Don’t wear Orange in Southie on St. Patrick’s Day.

Things you should know: There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock buildings (one old, one new for each).

The colored lights on top the old Hancock tell the weatha’: “Solid blue, clear view….” “Flashing blue, clouds due….” “Solid red, rain ahead….” “Flashing red, snow instead….” - (except in summer; flashing red means the Red Sox game was rained out)

Route 128 is also I-95 south. It’s also I-93 north.

The underground train is not a subway. It’s the “T”, and it doesn’t run all night (this ain’t Noo Yawk).

Order the “cold tea” in China Town after 2:00 am you’ll get a kettle full of beer.

Bostonians… think that it’s their God-given right to cut off someone in traffic.

Bostonians…think that there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R’s).

Bostonians…think that three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.

Bostonians…refer to six inches of snow as a “dusting.”

Bostonians…always “bang a left” as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.

Bostonians…say everything in town is “a five-minute walk.” (pronounced “wok”)

Bostonians…believe that using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.

Bostonians…think that 63-degree ocean water is warm.

Bostonians…think Rhode Island accents are annoying.

How to say these Massachusetts city names correctly: Worcester: Wuhsta (or Wistah) Gloucester: Glawsta Leicester: Lesta Woburn: Wooban Dedham: Dedim (like denim) Revere: Re-vee-ah Quincy: Quinzee Peabody: Peabuddy Waltham: Walth-ham Chatham: Chattum

Enjoy the list… it’s a wicked pissa. Next time you come to Bawstin, you’ll need this to communicate correctly. For those of you who have never been to “Bawstin”, this is a good guideline. I hope you will consider coming to “Beantown” in the near future. For those who call New England home, this is just plain great!

Information on Boston and the surrounding area:

There’s no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street.

Back Bay streets are in alphabetical “oddah”: Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth, etc.

So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D, etc.

If the streets are named after trees (e.g. Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you’re on Beacon Hill.

If they’re named after poets, you’re in Wellesley.

Massachusetts Ave is Mass Ave; Commonwealth Ave is Comm Ave; South Boston is Southie.

The South End is the South End. East Boston is Eastie.

The North End is east of the former West End.

The West End and Scollay Square are no more; a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night.

Roxbury is The Burry, Jamaica Plain is J.P.

Definitions: Frappes have ice cream, milkshakes don’t. If it is fizzy and flavored, it’s tonic.

Soda is CLUB SODA.

“Pop” is Dad.

When we want Tonic WATER, we will ask for Tonic WATER.

The smallest beer is a pint.

Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish. If you paid more than $6/pound, you got scrod.

It’s not a water fountain; it’s a bubblah.

It’s not a trashcan; it’s a barrel.

It’s not a shopping cart; it’s a carriage.

It’s not a purse; it’s a pockabook.

They’re not franks; they’re haht dahgs. Franks are money in France.

Police don’t drive patrol units or black and whites they drive a “crooza”.

If you take the bus, your on the “looza crooza”.

It’s not a rubber band, it’s an elastic.

It’s not a traffic circle, it’s a rotary.

“Going to the islands” means Martha’s Vineyard & Nantucket.

If something’s good, it’s “pissa”. If something’s really good, it’s “wicked pissa”.

The Pat’s = The Patriots The Sox = The Red Sox The C’s = The Celtics The B’s = The Bruins

Things not to do: Don’t pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd … they’ll tow it to Meffa (Medford) or Slumaville (Somerville).

Don’t sleep in the Common. (Boston Common)

Don’t wear Orange in Southie on St. Patrick’s Day.

Things you should know: There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock buildings (one old, one new for each).

The colored lights on top the old Hancock tell the weatha’: “Solid blue, clear view….” “Flashing blue, clouds due….” “Solid red, rain ahead….” “Flashing red, snow instead….” - (except in summer; flashing red means the Red Sox game was rained out)

Route 128 is also I-95 south. It’s also I-93 north.

The underground train is not a subway. It’s the “T”, and it doesn’t run all night (this ain’t Noo Yawk).

Order the “cold tea” in China Town after 2:00 am you’ll get a kettle full of beer.

Bostonians… think that it’s their God-given right to cut off someone in traffic.

Bostonians…think that there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R’s).

Bostonians…think that three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.

Bostonians…refer to six inches of snow as a “dusting.”

Bostonians…always “bang a left” as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.

Bostonians…say everything in town is “a five-minute walk.” (pronounced “wok”)

Bostonians…believe that using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.

Bostonians…think that 63-degree ocean water is warm.

Bostonians…think Rhode Island accents are annoying.

How to say these Massachusetts city names correctly: Worcester: Wuhsta (or Wistah) Gloucester: Glawsta Leicester: Lesta Woburn: Wooban Dedham: Dedim (like denim) Revere: Re-vee-ah Quincy: Quinzee Peabody: Peabuddy Waltham: Walth-ham Chatham: Chattum

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: “Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.”

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

“Don’t you get it?” the caretaker says incredulously. “He’s decomposing.”

(The only thing better than a good pun is a bad one ~~ TjL :-)

<img src=”/share/Ivan-vs-Florida.gif” width=”400” height=”321” alt=”[Cartoon of Ivan approaching Florida, which has pulled itself up and is clinging to the coast of higher states.]”

As you know we have entered the peak of the hurricane season in Florida. Right now, you can turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob down in the Caribbean and making two basic meteorological points.

(1) There is no need to panic. (2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you’re new to the area, you’re probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we’ll get hit by “the big one.”

Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We’ll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS’ INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Wisconsin

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you’ll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they’re cheap.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they’re very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc…

You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don’t have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver’s license; if it says “Florida,” you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don’t evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don’t know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it’s traditional, so GET some!)

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean

Good luck, and remember: There are a few drawbacks to living in Paradise.

[Like one of the images? Please don’t link directly to the file from your website, copy it to your server and link to it.]

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you’ve come into my life… (Inside card) - I’ve changed my mind.

1. I must admit, you brought religion into my life… (Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

2. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am…. (Inside card) - That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

3. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go…. (Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You’ll probably need it again.

4. Someday I hope to marry… (Inside card) - Someone other than you.

5. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age.. (Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

6. When we were together, you said you’d die for me… (Inside card) - Now we’ve broken up, I think it’s time to keep your promise.

7. We’ve been friends for a very long time… (Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

8. I’m so miserable without you… (Inside card) - It’s almost like you’re still here.

9. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…. (Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

10. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket… (Inside card) - I’d miss you terribly and think of you often.

11. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday… (Inside card) - So we’re having you put to sleep.

12. Looking back over the years we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder (Inside card) - What was I thinking?

13. Congratulations on your wedding day!… (Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

14. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and Arkansas and certain areas of the Carolinas)