Yes, I corrected your children in public today.

Why? Because either 1) you didn’t see/hear what they were doing, or 2) your laissez-faire attitude was such that you didn’t care.

There seems to be a widespread misunderstanding of some public places as being suitable substitutes for daycare and/or hiring a babysitter: the library, Wal-Mart, restaurants, the park, the movie theater.

All of those are places where children can and should be; however, that does not absolve you of any responsibility towards their behavior. If your kids are at the park playing with other kids and they start acting like idiots, you stop them. This is how they learn. Where is the “line” between acceptable and idiotic behavior? It depends, but here are some clues:

Proper Park Etiquette

1) If there are only a few kids in the park and your kid wants to walk up the slide, that may be OK. Sure it’s not the way that you’re supposed to do it, but if they aren’t getting in anyone’s way, and the chances are small that they will hurt themselves, have at it.

2) However, if their sneakers are covered in mud, then no, you don’t let them climb up the slide. You may not care if your kid’s clothes gets all muddy, but other kids might. You may have heard the saying “Your right to swing your arm ends at my nose.” This is like that.

3) Similarly, if there is a line of kids waiting to go down the slide, your kid may not climb up the slide. Those are the rules, they are now part of a community, they need to learn how to co-exist.

You May Have Blocked Our Your Kid’s Noise, We Haven’t

Many parents develop the self-preservation technique of selective deafness when it comes to their children. If your kid is being a whiny brat, you may prefer to pretend that you cannot hear them. This is perfectly acceptable, as long as you are either in your own home or your car, or if there is no one else around. If your little girl is screaming like she’s trying out for the Jamie Lee Curtis role in a revival of Halloween, you are required to make her stop. If your little boy is attempting to stuck in “repeat” mode saying the same thing over and over and over again at the top of his voice because he’s unhappy about something, you are required to make him stop.

If your infant has woken from her nap just as your meal was arriving and starting crying and crying and crying and crying, you are required to put down your food, and do whatever you can to make her stop. This is true even if the meal is at McDonald’s. (Note: you do get some leeway if your child is too young to be able to communicate with words, we understand that sometimes babies cry even if they are not tired nor hungry nor in need of a diaper change. We understand that you might not be successful but you are still required to try.)

In Summary

Just because you are in a place where kids are prevalent doesn’t mean you can pretend that you are not a parent because the kids are occupied. Relax, have fun, but be aware of what is going on with your kid.

These are some very simple guidelines that I would assume that every parent would know, but clearly I’m wrong.

Today

We arrived at the movie theater about 12:50 p.m. for a 12:45 p.m. movie. We didn’t worry too much about it, because we knew there would be previews. When we arrived, we quickly spotted some open seats in the middle of the theater. There were not a whole lot of other people in the theater, but those who were had sat in the same general area, because those are the best seats. Clearly you knew this, because you had sat there yourself.

It wasn’t until we were sitting down that I realized that we were seated in front of several children, but I didn’t think much about it. We could have gone down two rows closer, but that would have been too close. We could have gone two rows back, but that was further than we wanted to go. We sat in open seats at a public theater.

The problem started almost immediately. The children were chattering during the previews, not about the previews, just in general. I let this go, because they are just previews, but I was already concerned. I heard you say “Shut up!” to them at one point. They ignored you, and you dropped it.

They continued to talk during the opening credits. You said nothing.

They continued to talk during the opening scene of the movie. I turned around, put my finger to my lips and said “Shhh” to them. They shushed. I smiled and said “Thank you.”

A few minutes later, another one of them started kicking my son’s seat. One of you stopped him, which I heard and appreciated.

A few minutes later, he started again. You ignored it, or just didn’t realize it. I turned around and said, “Please stop kicking the seat.”

At this point I saw that he was stretched full out on the seat and stretching his legs as far as he could in order to reach the seats in front (this theater provides plenty of leg room). It would have been very hard not to see him. You turned to him and said “Quit it.”

Less than 5 minutes later, one of the other children, the one sitting furthest from you, started to kick the seat next to me, and the one next to her started kicking mine.

This marked the end of my patience. I turned around and said, in a calm but firm voice: “Stop kicking the seats.”

Her eyes grew wide and she pulled back her legs.

The End. Or, you know, Not.

That could have ended the whole event, but instead, you chose to get defensive.

“Excuse me,” I heard you say, “Why did you sit in front of three kids anyway?”

This was about the stupidest thing you could have said. I sat there for the same reason you did: those are the best seats from which to watch the movie.

“It is the middle of the theater,” I replied, doing my best to refrain from giving you further analysis of your parenting skills.

“They aren’t even kicking your seat!” you added.

This was the stupidest thing you could have said. (Note that you have already dropped your initial attack, and have moved onto another one.)

A) You may have noticed that seats in movie theaters are connected. Kicking the one next to me is very nearly the same thing as kicking my seat. Furthermore, the one sitting behind me was also kicking my seat under the “Monkey see, monkey do” principle of children’s behavior: “She’s doing it, I’m going to do it too.” So you were either lying or just wrong, and I’m not sure which one would be worse, but neither one reflects well on you.

B) There’s no need for her to be kicking the seats. You know this, I know this. I’ve got the same right to sit wherever I want that you do, and you give up some of your right to act however you want to when you leave the house. If she had been just talking too loudly perhaps you might have been able to make some case for “She’s just a little kid and doesn’t understand” (which, I would have replied, meant that perhaps you should have been sitting next to her instead of 3 seats away) but trying to redirect attention away from your misbehaving kid onto someone who just wants to watch the movie but can’t was pretty pathetic.

The children were, I’m guessing, around 4 years old, which is young, but old enough to understand “No” and “Stop” and comply.

I’m not sure if you noticed, but nether one kicked the seat once after I spoke to them. I did not yell at them, I did not use abusive or rude language to them, I simply told them to stop, and they did. You might ask why they were more likely to listen to a complete stranger than to her own mother (which I assume was one of you two).

An Idiot Parent’s Guide to Sitting with Little Kids at the Movies

Again, this should go without saying, but my encounter with you proves once again that common sense is increasingly less common.

Using “A” for “Adult” and “C” for “Child” let me draw an ASCII representation of how the 5 of you were sitting:

A A C C C

You may have noticed that my wife and I were were sitting in this formation next to our son:

A C A

This was not an accident. It means that we are able to better monitor and control our son’s behavior. You may have noticed that he was carrying a toy lightsaber (not one that glows in the dark or lights up). He extended the lighsaber at one point and raised it up, possibly partially obscuring the view of the person sitting behind him. I told him to put it down, and he did.

Later, he dropped it on the floor which made a loud noise, I told him to be more careful.

Later on, he did one or the other of them again (I don’t remember which, I think he dropped it again) so I took it away and told him that he’d get it back at the end of the movie.

He did not argue, talk back or throw a fit. He sat down and watched the movie. This may be because he is quite used to rules and consequences.

Before you think “Wow, this guy thinks he’s God’s gift to parenting” let me assure you that I am not, do not think I am, and would never pretend to be. But on the scale of terrible to great, I’m not bad.

There may be some people who think, “Great, man, you’re teaching your son to be a rules follower, a conformist. Just what the world needs.”

My response: he’s (almost) six. He’ll no doubt rebel as a teenager. My hope is that we have been balanced enough as parents that he doesn’t dye his mohawk purple, pierce his nose and belly button and run a chain between the two. Actually, I’m a lot more concerned about how he’ll treat people later on than I am how he’ll dress or look. Even more-so, I hope that he will learn to resist injustice and learn to go his own way when he’s older.

But he’s six now. He needs boundaries, and he likes them. He’s one of the happiest kids you’ll ever meet. He’s also not a nuisance to be around.

Aside: Boundaries Are Good

Some years ago I heard about a playground which was built without a fence. The well-intentioned parents/developers didn’t want to stifle the children’s creativity or freedom, so they built it without walls. And they should be congratulated for their efforts. Too many parents seem to want to put their kids in a bubble and leave them there (see Free Range Kids for some counter examples).

However, something unexpected happened.

The kids stayed in the center of the playground, not venturing out, and not playing on the equipment near the periphery of the playground.

Eventually they built a fence around the entire area, and the kids felt safe enough to venture out to all of the areas. The boundaries provided the security they needed to enjoy the freedom the parents wanted them to have in the first place.

Divide and Conquer

I know that it’s nice to be able to have some time with another adult. I don’t know if the two of you are friends or related or whatever. So it’s natural to want to sit together. But it’s a bad move. Why? Because you were too far away to notice or take action. I am willing to bet that had you been sitting

A C C C A

you would have had a better handle on their behavior, because you were closer to them, the kicking of the seats would have bothered you too.

“But we wanted to sit together!”

Sometimes being a grown-up isn’t fun. You have to make sacrifices, especially when you decide to become a parent. This model sacrifices your ability to sit together but allows the kids to sit together. Alternatively you could have gone:

C C A A C

which separates 1 child from the other 2 but lets 2 of them sit together and lets you sit together.

C A C A C

puts an adult between each child. I wouldn’t start out in this unless you’ve got good reason to believe there will be problems, but if problems occurred, this is how I would have separated them.

“What kind of hard-ass jerk are you?”

I’m actually a really nice person to be around, but I have expectations. Those expectations are more important to me than whether or nor you think I’m a nice person to be around. Quite frankly, I don’t much care what you think (if I did I wouldn’t risk sounding worse by writing this all up, or would have just apologized, offering some explanation for my behavior in hindsight).

I won’t apologize. They were wrong, but they are kids, their behavior was understandable. Yours, however, was kind of sad. What lesson did it teach them that you tried to defend their misbehavior by attempting to attack me?

We should have expectations of each other. If you’re a parent and you want a responsibility-free afternoon, hire a sitter. Don’t come to some public place and try to act like you don’t really have kids. It’s bad for them, it’s bad for others around them, and it’s bad for you.

I promise you that everyone would have enjoy the movie much more had you simply been able to stop them with a touch of your hand to the leg of whichever child was acting up rather than waiting for a stranger to get fed up with their behavior.

I expected that they would take our water bottles (the exact same thing you can buy 10 feet later for 20% more).

I didn’t, but should have, realized that they would take Ethan’s juice box. That’s right, the US Government is keeping you safe…. from juice.

But the real clincher to me, the thing that makes me realize that yes, Thank God^H^H^HI mean George W Bush, we are finally safe because we have “random” passenger screening for extra security checks.

We wouldn’t want to profile anyone, of course, because there has never been any proof whatsoever that one group of people has been more involved in trying to plan terrorist attacks on the country (remember Timothy McVeigh was as “all American” as anyone), so the best thing to do is rely on a computer to generate random passengers to be screened.

And do you know how good the government’s “random” generator is?

Well when we flew to San Diego in April, Ethan was randomly selected one the way, and on the way back. Wow, weird coincidence, right?

And today he was randomly screened again.

Conclusion? Either Ethan has just done the equivalent of getting struck by lightning while holding a winning lottery ticket, or the random generator that the government is using is complete and utter crap.

So feel safer now as you bask under the warm glow of everything that the government has learned in the 5 years since September 11th. Which is to say: how to make a bunch of completely useless safeguards that make no one safer, while stealing a 4 year old’s juicebox and randomly screening him 3 out of 3 times.

Complete and utter morons.

You know, now that the government has successfully undertaken the important task of “Under God” out of the pledge of allegiance, maybe they ought to work on removing the words “land of the free” from the Star Spangled Banner.

I fully expect to now be whisked off to Syria for interrogation under torture for questioning the divine wisdom of the government. Or maybe added to the “No Fly” list.

I expected that they would take our water bottles (the exact same thing you can buy 10 feet later for 20% more).

I didn’t, but should have, realized that they would take Ethan’s juice box. That’s right, the US Government is keeping you safe…. from juice.

But the real clincher to me, the thing that makes me realize that yes, Thank God^H^H^HI mean George W Bush, we are finally safe because we have “random” passenger screening for extra security checks.

We wouldn’t want to profile anyone, of course, because there has never been any proof whatsoever that one group of people has been more involved in trying to plan terrorist attacks on the country (remember Timothy McVeigh was as “all American” as anyone), so the best thing to do is rely on a computer to generate random passengers to be screened.

And do you know how good the government’s “random” generator is?

Well when we flew to San Diego in April, Ethan was randomly selected one the way, and on the way back. Wow, weird coincidence, right?

And today he was randomly screened again.

Conclusion? Either Ethan has just done the equivalent of getting struck by lightning while holding a winning lottery ticket, or the random generator that the government is using is complete and utter crap.

So feel safer now as you bask under the warm glow of everything that the government has learned in the 5 years since September 11th. Which is to say: how to make a bunch of completely useless safeguards that make no one safer, while stealing a 4 year old’s juicebox and randomly screening him 3 out of 3 times.

Complete and utter morons.

You know, now that the government has successfully undertaken the important task of “Under God” out of the pledge of allegiance, maybe they ought to work on removing the words “land of the free” from the Star Spangled Banner.

I fully expect to now be whisked off to Syria for interrogation under torture for questioning the divine wisdom of the government. Or maybe added to the “No Fly” list.

The Sheraton Buckhead Atlanta wanted $179 a night for a room with two beds.

Now I can personally attest that the two rooms are very similar, both of the TVs are about the same, and the beds seem equally comfy. The hotels seem equally clean.

So why is it that the Days Inn can provide free high speed wireless internet (150kbps downloads) but the Sheraton wants $10 for 24 hours?

This is not the first case in which a “cheaper” hotel will offer free wireless, while a “higher end” hotel will charge for it.

What kind of sense does that make?

But for me, I’ve got The Late Show with David Letterman down to about 15 minutes, even though it is scheduled for 62.

Opening Credits and Introduction (11:35-11:37 p.m.)

Skip this. The TiVo already tells you who is on, and if you can’t read, Dave will tell you anyway.

HOW TO SKIP: Fast forward until Dave starts talking. Then give it a few more seconds. He is going to say “Thank you very much” about 15 times while a trumpet plays some brain skewering high pitched note for no reason other than to kill dogs. Clearly Paul Shaffer hates dogs and doesn’t want any in New York.

Monologue (11:37-11:41)

Watch this, there’s usually 3 good jokes in it. If you hit #3 and are running behind, you may just want to fast foward.

WHEN TO FAST FORWARD: As soon as Dave starts to introduce Paul, press Fast Foward (1). This will help you avoid another musical flourish designed solely to injure any dogs not killed by the intro.

Opening Segment: (11:41 - 11:55)

These are almost always completely useless and unfunny. Keep the TiVo on Fast Forward #2. This way you will bypass Rupert G or the fat guy on the yellow bike or some stupid intern situation.

They will also recap whoever is on the show. Again, press “Info” if you haven’t seen this already. Any audience participation will also take place here (chatting with someone in the audience, Stump the Band, Know Your Cuts of Meat, Know Your Current Events [which was funny, once, 6 years ago]…)

DO NOT get sucked in if you see them cut to something on the roof. Yes, we all like it when they dump stuff off the roof but that is at least 10-15 minutes away. First they are going to milk the setup until the teat falls off.

Commercial Break (11:55 - midnight)

Obivously skip this, but don’t stop just because the show comes back

Re-Entry Mini-Segment (12:00 - 12:03)

There is often another unfunny allusion back to something that happened earlier, or something coming up later (listen for the phrase: “Let’s check in with Rupert G” or “What’s going on up on the roof?”)

Possibly this is where you will get your Top 10 list, of which 3-4 will be really funny, as in you can tell them to someone else later who didn’t see the show and they’d laugh.

Then again, you might get a “Will It Float?” which will throw the schedule off by 3 minutes.

Note: There is usually 30-60 seconds of build-up to the Top 10 list between the time the topic is announced and when the list actually starts, so feel free to hit the +30 button once, at least, before it will begin.

Another Commercial Break (12:03 - 12:06)

Apparently the rules for how often you can have commercial breaks change after midnight, because this would never happen during a normal show, but they go to another commercial break, promising to come back with the first real guest.

Actual Interview! (12:06 - 12:16)

Usually the guest will come out immediately after the commercial break, unless they are still working on some setup for dropping watermelons on pool cues or whatever.

If the guest is someone of actual importance (as opposed to, say, a movie actor/actress out shilling for their latest piece of genius) they will still be there after the break. Otherwise, it’s on to something else. Probably that watermelon thing.

A 12 minute commercial break interrupted by something meaningless (12:16 - 12:28)

The rules are relaxed, but they still have limits. I mean, you couldn’t actually show 12 minutes worth of commercials in a row, right?

So here’s what they do (this is an actual log from an actual recent show):

• 12:16-12:20 — Commercial break
• 12:20-12:22 — Some stupid thing with the guy with red hair who annoys me with every breath he takes.
• 12:22-12:25 — Commercial break
• 12:25-12:25 (37 seconds) — Camera pans over the audience while someone made balloon animals
• 12:25-12:28 — Commercial break
• 12:28-12:28 (32 seconds) — More witty banter between Paul and Dave before Dave introduces the musical guest)
• 12:28-12:33 — musical guest, of which I listen to 10-15 seconds before deciding that yes, they too are crap like 258 of the previous musical guests in the past year
• 12:33-12:37 — Commercial break. This actually marks the end of the recording because although it is already scheduled to run 62 minutes, they still don’t make it on time and therefore they cut they end off and you don’t get to see it unless you have adjusted to record an extra minute, or if you watch the Late Late Show.

So if you add that all up you get about 4 minutes of monologue and about 10 minutes of interview, and about 1 minute to decide whether the musical guest is any good. You may need another minute or two for the Top 10 list, but they don’t do that every night.

I have just saved you 47 minutes. You’re welcome.

Footnotes:

1. Note: On our TV, if you press Fast Forward on the TiVo once while you have the captioning turned on, the captions still appear, so if you are really curious you can see it without hearing it. But you’ll want to press Fast Forward twice to save time once you realize that you really aren’t missing anything. ↩

But for me, I’ve got The Late Show with David Letterman down to about 15 minutes, even though it is scheduled for 62.

Opening Credits and Introduction (11:35-11:37 p.m.)

Skip this. The TiVo already tells you who is on, and if you can’t read, Dave will tell you anyway.

HOW TO SKIP: Fast forward until Dave starts talking. Then give it a few more seconds. He is going to say “Thank you very much” about 15 times while a trumpet plays some brain skewering high pitched note for no reason other than to kill dogs. Clearly Paul Shaffer hates dogs and doesn’t want any in New York.

Monologue (11:37-11:41)

Watch this, there’s usually 3 good jokes in it. If you hit #3 and are running behind, you may just want to fast foward.

WHEN TO FAST FORWARD: As soon as Dave starts to introduce Paul, press Fast Foward (1). This will help you avoid another musical flourish designed solely to injure any dogs not killed by the intro.

Opening Segment: (11:41 - 11:55)

These are almost always completely useless and unfunny. Keep the TiVo on Fast Forward #2. This way you will bypass Rupert G or the fat guy on the yellow bike or some stupid intern situation.

They will also recap whoever is on the show. Again, press “Info” if you haven’t seen this already. Any audience participation will also take place here (chatting with someone in the audience, Stump the Band, Know Your Cuts of Meat, Know Your Current Events [which was funny, once, 6 years ago]…)

DO NOT get sucked in if you see them cut to something on the roof. Yes, we all like it when they dump stuff off the roof but that is at least 10-15 minutes away. First they are going to milk the setup until the teat falls off.

Commercial Break (11:55 - midnight)

Obivously skip this, but don’t stop just because the show comes back

Re-Entry Mini-Segment (12:00 - 12:03)

There is often another unfunny allusion back to something that happened earlier, or something coming up later (listen for the phrase: “Let’s check in with Rupert G” or “What’s going on up on the roof?”)

Possibly this is where you will get your Top 10 list, of which 3-4 will be really funny, as in you can tell them to someone else later who didn’t see the show and they’d laugh.

Then again, you might get a “Will It Float?” which will throw the schedule off by 3 minutes.

Note: There is usually 30-60 seconds of build-up to the Top 10 list between the time the topic is announced and when the list actually starts, so feel free to hit the +30 button once, at least, before it will begin.

Another Commercial Break (12:03 - 12:06)

Apparently the rules for how often you can have commercial breaks change after midnight, because this would never happen during a normal show, but they go to another commercial break, promising to come back with the first real guest.

Actual Interview! (12:06 - 12:16)

Usually the guest will come out immediately after the commercial break, unless they are still working on some setup for dropping watermelons on pool cues or whatever.

If the guest is someone of actual importance (as opposed to, say, a movie actor/actress out shilling for their latest piece of genius) they will still be there after the break. Otherwise, it’s on to something else. Probably that watermelon thing.

A 12 minute commercial break interrupted by something meaningless (12:16 - 12:28)

The rules are relaxed, but they still have limits. I mean, you couldn’t actually show 12 minutes worth of commercials in a row, right?

So here’s what they do (this is an actual log from an actual recent show):

• 12:16-12:20 — Commercial break
• 12:20-12:22 — Some stupid thing with the guy with red hair who annoys me with every breath he takes.
• 12:22-12:25 — Commercial break
• 12:25-12:25 (37 seconds) — Camera pans over the audience while someone made balloon animals
• 12:25-12:28 — Commercial break
• 12:28-12:28 (32 seconds) — More witty banter between Paul and Dave before Dave introduces the musical guest)
• 12:28-12:33 — musical guest, of which I listen to 10-15 seconds before deciding that yes, they too are crap like 258 of the previous musical guests in the past year
• 12:33-12:37 — Commercial break. This actually marks the end of the recording because although it is already scheduled to run 62 minutes, they still don’t make it on time and therefore they cut they end off and you don’t get to see it unless you have adjusted to record an extra minute, or if you watch the Late Late Show.

So if you add that all up you get about 4 minutes of monologue and about 10 minutes of interview, and about 1 minute to decide whether the musical guest is any good. You may need another minute or two for the Top 10 list, but they don’t do that every night.

I have just saved you 47 minutes. You’re welcome.

Footnotes:

1. Note: On our TV, if you press Fast Forward on the TiVo once while you have the captioning turned on, the captions still appear, so if you are really curious you can see it without hearing it. But you’ll want to press Fast Forward twice to save time once you realize that you really aren’t missing anything. ↩

But I’m really not. In fact I don’t remember the last time I felt this betrayed.

John Gruber cited this:

In response to overwhelming demand, Lucasfilm Ltd. and Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment will release attractively priced individual two-disc releases of Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. Each release includes the 2004 digitally remastered version of the movie and, as bonus material, the theatrical edition of the film. That means you’ll be able to enjoy Star Wars as it first appeared in 1977, Empire in 1980, and Jedi in 1983.

from http://www.starwars.com/episode-iv/release/video/news20060503.html and then added his own words:

Bastards. I broke down and finally bought the current DVD trilogy collection just a few months ago — now I’ve got to pay for it yet again just to get the versions of the films that I really want. If they ever diddle with the Han-vs.-Greedo scene again, they ought to have Han shoot George Lucas.

I couldn’t agree more. But then it got worse. I went to the official press release page, and what image do they have as part of the release?

For those of you either too young to remember, too old to remember, or if you have suffered a traumatic blow to the head since 1977, Luke and Ben go into Mos Eisley to hire a ship. They agree to pay Han an excessive amount of money to get them to where they need to go.

Just after they leave, a bounty hunter named Greedo (above right) comes in, seeking to take Han Solo to Jabba the Hut - or to take the money he owes Hut. Greedo talks on and on, while Han unbuckles his holster and shoots Greedo under the table.

I saw the movie in 1977 or 1978 at about 5 years old, and even I recognized this for what it was: pure cleverness on Han’s part. Someone was essentially trying to rob Han in a crowded bar, and Han shot him. Nothing that Greedo wouldn’t have done if the situation were reversed.

Now fast forward 20-ish years. The movies are re-released with improved sound, scenes added in, etc. Most of which were completely unnecessary and added nothing to the storyline, but instead served the purpose of letting Lucas a) show off and b) gouge his fans for another $7/ticket. But they didn’t just add things. They changed things. Changed things. Lucas created the defining myth of a generation, and then 20 years later he changed it.

One of the most useless and aggravating changes was the scene with Han and Greedo. In the new version, Greedo shoots first and misses. Mind you, Greedo is approximately 3 feet from Han, so shooting and missing is completely and utterly stupid. In addition, there would be no reason for Greedo to shoot Han. Han already told him that he doesn’t have the money on him, so shooting him would gain him nothing. Sure I suppose he could bring Han’s corpse to Jabba, but that wouldn’t be nearly satisfying. But there is nothing and no indication that Greedo is going to shoot.

Why does he shoot?

Well because apparently Lucas decided that it made Han look bad to have shot first.

Look bad? The man is a criminal, a smuggler, a scoundrel (by some accounts), and this is what you think makes him look bad?

What’s worse, Lucas adamently asserted that the original versions would never be released on DVD. They said it would take too much work (read: I want you to like the new versions, so open wide and take it. This won’t hurt a bit).

So we bought the original series on VHS. Then they released the widescreen original versions on VHS. ARGH! So we bought that too (since otherwise you miss stuff, like, oh, I don’t know, off the top of my head, you miss Luke letting go of whatever that thing is that he was holding onto after Darth Vader cut off his hand. In the non-widescreen version, all you see is Vader looking at Luke, and then looking down. Next thing you know, Luke is falling down the shaft. Did he slip? Did he lose his balance? You’ll never know!!!

When the new versions came out, we bought them on DVD. Because we’re fans, that’s why.

So I currently have three versions of the original trilogy in my house, including two in VHS, just waiting to break down over time as the tape decays. The picture and sound aren’t nearly as good, and when I finally get that 80” LCD, the flaws will be more obvious.

Now Lucas, who must need a new yacht, has decided that he’ll let me buy another copy of the movies I already own on DVD, and this time he’ll “throw in” the original versions.

Oh, and did you catch the part where it sounds like they will be selling each of the 3 movies separately? Apparently George wants the 100 foot yacht instead of the 80. You can currently get the boxed trilogy for $37 on Amazon.com. That’s $12.33 per movie. But if they sell them separately, you can bet they will go for $15 - $20 per movie. So that’s at least $3 extra…. times, let’s say they sell 3 million copies…. geez, George, you can have a different yacht for each day of the week, solely by sticking each of your fans just a little more.

Great. Thanks George. First you make these horrible remakes of your original movies, then you make three more completely lame prequels, none of which comes close to matching any of the 3 original movies, and now this. I hope it was worth it. I’d say more about what I really think of you for this, but it’s a family site and I never know who’s reading. The good news for you is that you ought to be able to buy plenty of sleeping pills so you never have to lie awake at night and think about how you’ve totally and completely screwed your fans multiple times for the past decade after we waited a decade for the additional movies you promised.

I used to be upset that you decided that you wouldn’t make episodes 7-9 which you had talked about a long time ago. After seeing episodes 1-3 I realized I didn’t care and I was a bit relieved. Whatever magic making powers you had died on or about “Return of the Jedi”. And I do mean the original.

There was nothing worth seeing in the re-releases. There was nothing worth seeing, and certainly nothing awe-inspiring, about episodes 1-3. (Don’t even get me started on the scene where Han steps on Jabba. As if.)

Remember when Han was being loaded into the carbon freezing chamber, and Leia said “I love you” and Han said “I know”? Remember how you reportedly worried that people would laugh, and that at the screening they did laugh, but Harrison Ford said “But it was the right kind of laugh”? Remember that? Did you screen episodes 1-3? I don’t mean in a room filled with lackeys and yes-men. Did you go out and slip into a showing and watch it? Did you hear them groan? Did you hear them laugh in what was definitely the wrong way? Did you see them wince when you tried to write romance scenes?

What happened to you between Empire and Phantom Menace?

Ah what do you care…. you’ll have plenty of money for the rest of your life, and will never see nor care about the feelings of one of your former biggest fans. I won’t even be surprised when you release a DVD of The Phantom Edit in a few years when you realize that you’d really like a 17th summer home. I hear southern France is nice.

And before you complain about the idea that you would ever sink so low, may I remind you that your contempt for your fans extends far enough that you are also offering your fans the chance to buy a T-shirt that says “Han Shot First” for $16. Apparently the “I live in my parents’ basement” T-shirts didn’t market well?

Given that you apparently had the idea for the whole “trilogy times three” (I mean two) plotted out in 1977, I can’t help but wonder if you didn’t make some of the changes to the original trilogy in the 1990’s realizing that there would be increased marketing opportunites for the two sets of DVDs, that you could get people to buy both by first saying that there wouldn’t be any DVDs of the originals, and then changing your mind later.

Man, that Phantom Edit thing sounds even more likely the more I think about it.

Once I thought you were the most creative mind to have ever indelibly touched my life.

Now I just see you as, well, just another greedy grown-up.

Now “Out for Delivery” is normally what is shown when it is on the truck for delivery. I have no idea what “In Transit To Final Destination” means. Isn’t that something you could say about pretty much every step of the journey of a package being delivered? Isn’t it always “In Transit To Final Destination”?!?

There’s also no estimated date of delivery (in fact until this morning there was literally nothing except “Billing Information Received”).

Perhaps related: has UPS come up with some new mode of delivery? I’ve heard of “Overnight” and “Two-Day” and “Ground” which is normally their bargain method of shipment. So what is “Basic” as seen below?

In any case it’s now more than 12 hours after this update was posted, and somehow I don’t think that it’s really going to be delivered before Monday. It’ll be interesting to see what it says between now and then.

Oh, and by the way, I know that it wasn’t really even out for delivery at all today. As I did before with FedEx, I happened to see the UPS truck in town and asked if he had any packages for me, and he did not. So wherever it is, it wasn’t anywhere near its final destination or out for delivery.

The church bought two 17-inch UltraSharp 1704FPT monitors and a 17” Dell UltraSharp 1704FPV. I didn’t know the woman’s name until I received the confirmation email: Shubhi Chandana. She was helpful and clear to understand. So they were outsourcing their sales staff, hardly news.

They also have some good folks working their sales department. I got a call from one of them in June. Normally sales people get about 0.8 seconds on the phone with me. This one caught me at a good moment. Actually a really good moment, for both of us. She made a sale, and I came away with a 20.1-inch 2001FP for home. I had really gotten used to having an external monitor at the church, and the deal was just too good.

Both of these monitors use DVI connectors, the same as my 15”/1.5Ghz Powerbook. Nice clear picture. The 2001FP also does Picture-in-Picture so I can watch TV in the corner of the screen (it’s all part of what Tracey’s mom calls my “Man Cave” which I should write more about some day). I also have my Dell desktop running Windows XP hooked to the same monitor via VGA. Press a button, switch computers.

All of this was working fine until yesterday. I plugged in the DVI, and the Powerbook went through its little “Hey you plugged in an external monitor” dance (really slick, it auto-senses… yet another trick Windows could learn).

Except this time, the dance ended and the Powerbook is standing on the dancefloor all by itself. No picture on the external monitor. Unplug, replug. No soap. Turn monitor off and on. Still no. Powerbook down. Powerbook up. No joy in mudville. If I disconnect the monitor, it can tell something has happened, but the Powerbook doesn’t see an external monitor.

Ok, so options are:

1. bad cable
2. bad DVI connector on the Powerbook
3. bad monitor

Now raise your hand if you really think it’s the cable? (You there in the back with your hand up, lay off the happy pills and rejoin us on Planet Earth.)

Since I have a similar monitor at the church, it was fairly easy to test #1 and 2. Truth be told I was almost wishing for it to be #2 since I have AppleCare and knew Apple would take care of it, but that would mean mailing back my Powerbook which I didn’t really want to do.

Plugged in the monitor at work the next day and it worked fine. So it’s not #2. I brought the cable home and tried it on the other monitor. No good.

So #3 it is. Yay.

I called Dell, one of the 15,823 phone numbers they have out there.

“Are you calling about a desktop or portable computer?” asked the automated voice. Err, neither?

How about their website? Oh look, they pop up a “Chat with a text support” window. Ok, I’ll do that. Current wait time 0 minutes?!?! WOW!

“Please enter your Service Tag or Express Service Code” for those of you unfamiliar with Dell, these are the two codes that Dell uses with their computers to identify them. What’s that, you ask, why in the world do they have two identification codes? I have no clue whatsoever. Seems ridiculous to me too. Either one or the other. Anyway, no code, no chat.

So I found one of the codes (after all we have 5 Dells between home and the church).

“Sorry, chat is not is available for your customers like you” (either home or business).

Back to the phone.

Finally got through and got a live human being.

“Can you give me the Service Tag or the Express Service Code?”

Actually no, I’m calling about a monitor.

“Well is it connected to a desktop or portable?”

Portable.

“Inspiron or Latitude?”

Powerbook. Oops, sorry, did I just blow your mind?

“Oh, you’re using a Powerbook?”

Yes, but (before you start some lame excuse about not supporting Macs) that doesn’t change anything about the fact that the DVI doesn’t work.

“Can you give me the serial number off the monitor?”

Errr… no, I’m at work and the monitor is at home. Doesn’t the order number help?

“No, I’m sorry, it doesn’t.”

Of course not, I mean, why would you do something crazy like maintain a database that would connect something like order numbers and serial numbers. I mean, it’s not like you’re some sort of big computer company which could have some sort of a database. (This is the same company, by the way, which cannot change “PRESPETERIAN” in its customer database. I’ve talked to at least 5 separate people on at least 5 separate occasions. Can’t be done. We also get 5 identical copies of their catalog every month at the church.)

So he gave me the number to call and the 7 digit extension. I went home, found the nineteen character serial number, and call the number. Hardware support. More call routing. Laptop, desktop, printer, handheld, or other. Well, a monitor would have to be “other” right? Except that when I’m on hold, they start talking about wireless networking.

Finally got someone. “Name, phone number, address, email address” which I provide again and again to each person I talk to, and they each person who I talk to, separated by 10-15 minutes on hold. You don’t think you all could share this information, right?

Get someone who is very helpful, but he can’t help. I’ve got the wrong division. “You need to talk to Dimension support” he tells me. But I’m not using this with a Dimension. “What are you using?” A Powerbook. Silence. I’m going for it. “The DVI connector on my LCD isn’t working. I tried a different monitor and it worked, I tried a different cable and that didn’t help. It’s the monitor, I’m sure of it. The VGA works, the s-video works. It’s 6 months old.”

He suggested that I disconnect all the cables and hold the power button for 15 seconds. Nothing. “Sorry, you need to talk to Dimension support.” Ok, I get it. He transfers me to Dimension support. I give the same report, this time I don’t mention the Powerbook at all. I have a Dell Dimension and I am connecting the LCD to a DVI port. No one asks what video card I’m using (since the Dimension didn’t come with a DVI connector). I tell him all of the things I’ve done, and add the new power cycling test an the factory reset which I had found while on hold.

He’s just about to tell me that I need a new monitor and asks for my order number.

And the phone disconnects.

Now you heard me say that I’ve given my phone number at least 6 times, and they have a case number connected to me. Since we were disconnected and I have absolutely no way of finding my way back to him, raise your hand if you expect that he’d call me back. (You again! Lay off Mother’s Little Helper already and put your hand down, you’re embarrassing yourself)

So I call back. More hold. More call routing. More not-having-any-idea-if-I-am-waiting-for-the-right-person.

Finally get someone. He’s not the right one, but he’s anxious to help. He listens to what I did, he takes my information. He determines that I need a new monitor….

But… I’ve called the Small Business Division, and I need the Home Division. “Don’t worry,” he told me, “I’ll wait on hold and explain it to them, he’ll probably need to ask a couple questions, but you’ll be all set.

More holding. 10 minutes, at least. Finally get someone.

He said his name was “Kevin” I guess they think they have to give their tech support people generic names. I was tempted to ask him how many silent Vs and Ys and vowels there were in “Kevin”…. I mean, how sad is it that in 2006 we have to go through this charade where everyone knows that the guy on the other end of the phone isn’t blond hair with blue eyes but I fully expect to get “Biff” one of these days. If you can understand him/her (and it was no harder to understand than someone with a heavy accent from, say, Texas or Florida), do you really care what his name is?

“So what seems to be the issue?” he asked.

Didn’t the other tech explain it to you?

“No, I’m sorry sir, can you tell me what seems to be wrong?”

I resist the urge to scream loud enough to rip a hole in the space-time continuum.

Anyway, I told “Kevin” my story. It’s getting more and more succinct. This is what I did: bing bang boom. “May I place you on hold for 2-3 minutes?” Sure, what am I gonna say? No?

Finally after going through the whole thing for the 4th or 5th time, he determines that yes I do need a new monitor. He keeps asking me questions even as he was processing it, but he tells me it will take 3-4 days. At the end he tells me that his supervisor needs to talk to me.

His supervisor’s name? Bob.

Sure, and you can call me Vishnu.

It did get me to wonder. Do your names get shorter the higher up the tech support chain? Does “Bob” have a supervisor named “Ed”?

Ah well. Maybe someday more Americans will realize there are other people out there besides Kevins and Bobs and Biffs, but until then I’ll just wait for my UPS tracking number…

The church bought two 17-inch UltraSharp 1704FPT monitors and a 17” Dell UltraSharp 1704FPV. I didn’t know the woman’s name until I received the confirmation email: Shubhi Chandana. She was helpful and clear to understand. So they were outsourcing their sales staff, hardly news.

They also have some good folks working their sales department. I got a call from one of them in June. Normally sales people get about 0.8 seconds on the phone with me. This one caught me at a good moment. Actually a really good moment, for both of us. She made a sale, and I came away with a 20.1-inch 2001FP for home. I had really gotten used to having an external monitor at the church, and the deal was just too good.

Both of these monitors use DVI connectors, the same as my 15”/1.5Ghz Powerbook. Nice clear picture. The 2001FP also does Picture-in-Picture so I can watch TV in the corner of the screen (it’s all part of what Tracey’s mom calls my “Man Cave” which I should write more about some day). I also have my Dell desktop running Windows XP hooked to the same monitor via VGA. Press a button, switch computers.

All of this was working fine until yesterday. I plugged in the DVI, and the Powerbook went through its little “Hey you plugged in an external monitor” dance (really slick, it auto-senses… yet another trick Windows could learn).

Except this time, the dance ended and the Powerbook is standing on the dancefloor all by itself. No picture on the external monitor. Unplug, replug. No soap. Turn monitor off and on. Still no. Powerbook down. Powerbook up. No joy in mudville. If I disconnect the monitor, it can tell something has happened, but the Powerbook doesn’t see an external monitor.

Ok, so options are:

1. bad cable
2. bad DVI connector on the Powerbook
3. bad monitor

Now raise your hand if you really think it’s the cable? (You there in the back with your hand up, lay off the happy pills and rejoin us on Planet Earth.)

Since I have a similar monitor at the church, it was fairly easy to test #1 and 2. Truth be told I was almost wishing for it to be #2 since I have AppleCare and knew Apple would take care of it, but that would mean mailing back my Powerbook which I didn’t really want to do.

Plugged in the monitor at work the next day and it worked fine. So it’s not #2. I brought the cable home and tried it on the other monitor. No good.

So #3 it is. Yay.

I called Dell, one of the 15,823 phone numbers they have out there.

“Are you calling about a desktop or portable computer?” asked the automated voice. Err, neither?

How about their website? Oh look, they pop up a “Chat with a text support” window. Ok, I’ll do that. Current wait time 0 minutes?!?! WOW!

“Please enter your Service Tag or Express Service Code” for those of you unfamiliar with Dell, these are the two codes that Dell uses with their computers to identify them. What’s that, you ask, why in the world do they have two identification codes? I have no clue whatsoever. Seems ridiculous to me too. Either one or the other. Anyway, no code, no chat.

So I found one of the codes (after all we have 5 Dells between home and the church).

“Sorry, chat is not is available for your customers like you” (either home or business).

Back to the phone.

Finally got through and got a live human being.

“Can you give me the Service Tag or the Express Service Code?”

Actually no, I’m calling about a monitor.

“Well is it connected to a desktop or portable?”

Portable.

“Inspiron or Latitude?”

Powerbook. Oops, sorry, did I just blow your mind?

“Oh, you’re using a Powerbook?”

Yes, but (before you start some lame excuse about not supporting Macs) that doesn’t change anything about the fact that the DVI doesn’t work.

“Can you give me the serial number off the monitor?”

Errr… no, I’m at work and the monitor is at home. Doesn’t the order number help?

“No, I’m sorry, it doesn’t.”

Of course not, I mean, why would you do something crazy like maintain a database that would connect something like order numbers and serial numbers. I mean, it’s not like you’re some sort of big computer company which could have some sort of a database. (This is the same company, by the way, which cannot change “PRESPETERIAN” in its customer database. I’ve talked to at least 5 separate people on at least 5 separate occasions. Can’t be done. We also get 5 identical copies of their catalog every month at the church.)

So he gave me the number to call and the 7 digit extension. I went home, found the nineteen character serial number, and call the number. Hardware support. More call routing. Laptop, desktop, printer, handheld, or other. Well, a monitor would have to be “other” right? Except that when I’m on hold, they start talking about wireless networking.

Finally got someone. “Name, phone number, address, email address” which I provide again and again to each person I talk to, and they each person who I talk to, separated by 10-15 minutes on hold. You don’t think you all could share this information, right?

Get someone who is very helpful, but he can’t help. I’ve got the wrong division. “You need to talk to Dimension support” he tells me. But I’m not using this with a Dimension. “What are you using?” A Powerbook. Silence. I’m going for it. “The DVI connector on my LCD isn’t working. I tried a different monitor and it worked, I tried a different cable and that didn’t help. It’s the monitor, I’m sure of it. The VGA works, the s-video works. It’s 6 months old.”

He suggested that I disconnect all the cables and hold the power button for 15 seconds. Nothing. “Sorry, you need to talk to Dimension support.” Ok, I get it. He transfers me to Dimension support. I give the same report, this time I don’t mention the Powerbook at all. I have a Dell Dimension and I am connecting the LCD to a DVI port. No one asks what video card I’m using (since the Dimension didn’t come with a DVI connector). I tell him all of the things I’ve done, and add the new power cycling test an the factory reset which I had found while on hold.

He’s just about to tell me that I need a new monitor and asks for my order number.

And the phone disconnects.

Now you heard me say that I’ve given my phone number at least 6 times, and they have a case number connected to me. Since we were disconnected and I have absolutely no way of finding my way back to him, raise your hand if you expect that he’d call me back. (You again! Lay off Mother’s Little Helper already and put your hand down, you’re embarrassing yourself)

So I call back. More hold. More call routing. More not-having-any-idea-if-I-am-waiting-for-the-right-person.

Finally get someone. He’s not the right one, but he’s anxious to help. He listens to what I did, he takes my information. He determines that I need a new monitor….

But… I’ve called the Small Business Division, and I need the Home Division. “Don’t worry,” he told me, “I’ll wait on hold and explain it to them, he’ll probably need to ask a couple questions, but you’ll be all set.

More holding. 10 minutes, at least. Finally get someone.

He said his name was “Kevin” I guess they think they have to give their tech support people generic names. I was tempted to ask him how many silent Vs and Ys and vowels there were in “Kevin”…. I mean, how sad is it that in 2006 we have to go through this charade where everyone knows that the guy on the other end of the phone isn’t blond hair with blue eyes but I fully expect to get “Biff” one of these days. If you can understand him/her (and it was no harder to understand than someone with a heavy accent from, say, Texas or Florida), do you really care what his name is?

“So what seems to be the issue?” he asked.

Didn’t the other tech explain it to you?

“No, I’m sorry sir, can you tell me what seems to be wrong?”

I resist the urge to scream loud enough to rip a hole in the space-time continuum.

Anyway, I told “Kevin” my story. It’s getting more and more succinct. This is what I did: bing bang boom. “May I place you on hold for 2-3 minutes?” Sure, what am I gonna say? No?

Finally after going through the whole thing for the 4th or 5th time, he determines that yes I do need a new monitor. He keeps asking me questions even as he was processing it, but he tells me it will take 3-4 days. At the end he tells me that his supervisor needs to talk to me.

His supervisor’s name? Bob.

Sure, and you can call me Vishnu.

It did get me to wonder. Do your names get shorter the higher up the tech support chain? Does “Bob” have a supervisor named “Ed”?

Ah well. Maybe someday more Americans will realize there are other people out there besides Kevins and Bobs and Biffs, but until then I’ll just wait for my UPS tracking number…