I get a lot of crazy emails, mostly either messages offering to enlarge things or make them happier or offer me a RRolex or informing me of major winnings in foreign lotteries (M’LABAM’ATOWO! I’m still waiting to hear back from you!!!).
But I think this one beats them all. And it’s real. From MLB.com:
After the 2004 Red Sox championship season, the entire field was replaced and the infield was preserved. Under the watchful eye of MLB authenticators, portions of the field were removed, transported and transplanted on a turf farm in Rhode Island.
At this point I double checked to make sure I hadn’t stumbled onto the set of Saturday Night Live…
Exactly what college major do you take to become an Official Major League Baseball Sod Authenticator? Because my high-school guidance counselor didn’t even tell me that was an option!!! I’m going to write her a nastygram.
A limited amount of Fenway Championship Sod is now available to become a part of Red Sox fans’ lawns and gardens.
Oh you’re kidding me…. I mean, I can see where this is going… at least I think I can…. are they actually going to….
Your piece of Red Sox history: The sod will be cut into 18” x 9” rectangles and can be purchased for $150 (plus 5% sales tax).
…oh dear Lord they’re selling dirt and grass for $157.50… You must must must be kidding… please?
Fans will be invited to pick up their sod at 9 a.m. on September 24, 2005 at Fenway Park Gate C. Parking will be available in the Brookline Avenue parking lot across from the Red Sox ticket office.
And by “fans” we mean all of you people with a combination of two much: A) time and B) money.
Sorry, orders cannot be shipped.
Hell no! We want to meet you in person so The Marketing Department can tag you with a special tracking device!
’ (Buy Now)
If you’re ready to order, please remember that September 24th is almost my ½ birthday, but you’ll have to pick it up and drive it to Ohio for me… but you don’t mind, you’ve obviously got time and money to burn… on second thought, why don’t you have your jet fly you out to us? We don’t want the $157.50 sod drying out… who knows, the poor thing probably gets car-sick.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan… I ordered this the day it came out… but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere… and preferably before you start digging out the MasterCard while you wonder if the spouse will notice $157.50 on the next bill…
My favorite piece of this story has to be this image of several people standing behind home plate where the words “World Series 2004” have been painted into the grass. I wonder how many people will, at least subconsciously, be thinking to themselves, “Ooh, I wonder if I’ll get a piece with some of the lettering on it!!!” … you know, like how you used to hope that maybe you’d get the corner piece of birthday cake even if it wasn’t your birthday cake? You knew it was rude to ask, but you still wanted it. Maybe you even offered to hand out the cake so that when that piece came around you could pretend to walk off with it to give it to someone else when really you just snuck away and ate it yourself? No? Just me? I see… you’re probably one of those “Oh, the frosting is too sweet!” people…. For the love of G*d, of course it’s sweet, it’s whipped sugar!!! What were you expecting, low-fat vanilla yogurt bites?
Oh, and for the 3 of you who winced internally (or externally, for you full-blown grumps) when I wrote ”snuck” instead of “sneaked” — really, get over yourself. It’s a web site, not the New Yorker.