Yeah, so today may have spoiled my chances at getting the nomination for Father of the Year.

And so close to the end, too.

Morning

I woke up at 8:58 a.m.

Which is a problem because Ethan is supposed to be at school by 8:50, or 9:00 at the latest.

It takes about 10-12 minutes to get there.

Ethan, as one might expect, was also asleep.

Parents understand this as the “Murphy’s Law of Parenthood”: the days when you want to sleep in, the child wakes up an hour earlier than usual; the days when you need to get up early, the child will be in the deepest sound sleep of his/her life.

Others might say “Kids are Jerks.” Not me you understand, but others might.

I woke up Tracey who was also late for work — only to be told that she didn’t have to work today (oops), and Ethan, who got right up and started getting ready for school.

I tossed a waffle into the toaster for Ethan, grabbed my electric razor, scribbled a note to Ethan’s teacher, and dressed as quickly as I could.

We were out the door in less than 10 minutes.

Drop Off

Usually when I drop Ethan off at school, there are a long row of SUVs, mini-vans, and other cars dropping their kids off. There’s a police officer directing traffic. There’s a “buzz” in the “air”.

When you’re an hour late, it’s The Dead Zone. I could have been driving 3 Hummers and still had room for passing bicycles.

Ethan gave me a hug and kiss, grabbed his backpack and his “I’m Late Because Dad Overslept” note, and ran to the door. I watched him open the door, wave, and step inside the school.

Well at least that’s ove–Wait, what did you say?

I arrived at the office and joked with a couple of the other guys that it sure was a lot easier dropping Ethan off at school when we were an hour late.

“An hour?” one of them said “There isn’t a one-hour delay today, there’s a two hour delay.”

You know in those movies when they show one person continuing to move while everyone else seems to freeze in place.

That’s pretty much what happened to me, as the following thoughts went through my head:

“OH MY GOD, I DROPPED HIM OFF AT SCHOOL WHEN THERE IS NO SCHOOL FOR ANOTHER HOUR!”

As a parent, there aren’t much bigger “fails” than that.

“Oh God, oh God, oh God, THAT’S why there were no cars there, it wasn’t because we were late, it’s because we were an hour early!!!”

“Wait, ok, I saw him go inside though, so someone must be there. Right? Well, maybe. Maybe his teacher isn’t there. Maybe the only one there is the janitor who unlocked the building. He could be just wandering around the school not knowing what is going on! Oh crap, I’ve got to get over there right now and find out what’s going on, the poor kid, he must be…”

“No, no,” said one of the other guys, who were suddenly able to move and talk again, “It’s only the county schools that have a delay. The city schools started at the regular time.”

“SAY WHAT?”

Our school system is divided up into city schools and county schools. The county schools tend to have a lot of kids who live “way out” and have to travel over less-than-ideal roads. If there’s ice, they will often delay school to avoid stuck school buses.

So, as it turned out after my seemed-like-forever momentary prepare-for-cardiac-arrest, I’m just a lousy parent for not getting my kid to school on time, and not a truly awful, despicable, loathsomely bad idiot who ought to be arrested for criminal stupidity.

And I went and signed up for email and text message alerts for when school is canceled for the city schools.