Suspicious Mail Handling Guidelines from the United States Post Office

So I was at the post office today, which is always a good place for interesting observations about life. Or at least, interesting observations about the post office.

Today I actually read the sign on the wall that’s been there as long as I can remember. (Checkout the poster, and see if you can see it coming.)

The poster is alerting people about suspicious mail (in case you couldn’t tell from the subtle SUSPICIOUS MAIL ALERT in red at the top of the poster). There are various tips for identifying suspicious mail (strange odor, excessive tape or string, rigid or bulky, badly typed or written).

One of the suspicious traits: “Possibly mailed from a foreign country.”

Ah yes, of course! Because of course no American would send anything dangerous through the mail. sigh

But that wasn’t the really interesting part. I was more interested in the list of steps to take if you have suspicious package:

1. Handle with care. Don’t shake or bump.
2. Isolate it immediately
3. Don’t open, smell, touch, or taste
4. Treat it as suspect. Call local law enforement authorities

Now those are good tips…. I guess. Well, maybe. I mean, sure, if you think it’s a bomb, it’s probably a good idea not to shake it. This clue would be necessary in case you’ve never seen a move.

“Isolate it immediately” would not be a problem either, although I’d probably isolate myself from it.

But what really caught my attention was clue #3. Do not open (duh), smell (ok, but you said that having a strange odor was a sign it might be dangerous, but if I know that I’ve already smelled it), touch (gee! Don’t touch the possible bomb! You don’t say?! But wait, didn’t you just say I should isolate it? How should I do that without touching it? Ah, we should all leave the building I guess.) Ok, I can live with all of those…. but the last one:

Taste.

Taste.

I actually had to ask the clerk about this one. (We’ve got a quite enjoyable clerk at our local post office branch. I wouldn’t say he’s a cracked nut, but, well , others might :-)

Me: “Is this a big problem, people tasting their mail? Because me, personally, I don’t even taste my unsuspicious mail.”

Him: “Actually, yes. We have trained professionals in the back who lick the suspicious packages. You really shouldn’t be trying this at home.”

Told ya he was a kindred spirit.

(See also When will it get there?, a user-friendly guide to post office shipping-related terms.)